Came back from Holland in the wee hours of Weds morning after a beautiful 5 days in Amsterdam and Delft. To be honest the places didn't leave very stark impressions - particularly because we drifted around with friends rather than did all the touristy things of visiting places/streets - and I didn't even visit the infamous red-light district of Amsterdam. But the beauty of the trip lies in the little moments, or the accumulation of little moments into one vast landscape of memories. Little bubbles in the memory jar of experience, love, affection, words, intimacy.
And, intimacy - it's strange how much closer we've grown in spiritual intimacy though it's only been 2 months into the relationship. A deeper and deeper foray into bare honesty in our conversations; not just a sharing of what's been past and dealt with, but a priving open of the barenaked self into one's current insecurities, frailties, hurts. I hadn't realised it, but there're actually so many layers of self-defence and fenced-up boundaries to my own inner recesses, and I'm still learning what it means to share. Not just words of thoughts and feelings; but thoughts and feelings themselves, where they're still raw, or taking shape, or feeling. I'm still learning to let go of self-preservation. And it helps so, so much that he's incredibly wise and patient. That he's bold and courageous enough to take the lead, baring first his own heart and loving me this passionately and selflessly, whilst not demanding anything in return and patiently waiting for God to open my heart. And God has, thankfully. Amazingly. Beautifully...
And I can't help but associate this with the way Christ loves us unceasingly, patiently, passionately. That so many times He waits, and waits for us to open our hearts up to Him despite our many baggages and modes of self-defence, not imposing limits or pressures on how we should react 'by right' - but loving us just as we are and for who we are. Patient, passionate, powerful. The love of God...
It's hard to fix my eyes on God when I'm back in London again and where everything threatens to seem 'colourless' in comparison with time by his side. But that's the challenge and the beauty of it I s'pose - time alone - and in this space of time and place I seek what it means to truly live and to live passionately again. Not for a man, or a man's love, but for far greater purposes and reasons that his love points towards. And it's only and firstly in the security and restfulness of that Love that I'll truly learn to appreciate and bask in the love of friends, family... and Alvin. Praying that God will continue to fix my eyes on Him and Him alone...
