'Beautiful One, I love You... Beautiful One, I adore! Beautiful One, my soul must sing...!'
Such a renewed sense of desire for Him, for my Lord my Lover, my strength and joy! The last one week, being incredibly trying and soul-shaping, has led to such a deepened sense of strength and intimacy between Alv and I, and such an incredible passion for Jesus and His love. Such fire that's burning through every inch of bone, marrow and flesh, such excitement and joy as I awake each morning, hoping to see more and more of God revealed throughout the day, such longing for deeper, and deeper, relationship with Him, and closer, much closer, intimacy with Him...
It struck me today that as He was talking about the Bread and about eating of His flesh and drinking of His blood in John 6, He wasn't talking about eating some wafer... or a gory imaginative indulgence in His crucifixion... or even the remembering of His death... No - He wants us to partake of Him - to be that close, that intimate, that at one with Him... flesh to flesh, spirit to spirit. Atonement = At-One-Ment.
A painful week of misunderstandings and misconstrued silences, of texts that were sent but never received, of strange darkness and emptiness and disappointments that could've gone on snowballing into further self-pity and anger if God hadn't delivered us both from them. The smallest things can grow insidiously into the largest blots, and it's always so easy to note the speck in the other's eye rather than see one's own plank. But through it all there was a transcendental sense that the Lord was with us and was ministering to us separately about the many issues we've brought with us into this relationship. And it's so encouraging, so reassuring, to know that for all things good or bad He purposes to make them good and there's absolutely no question or doubt about it, despite how crappy it seemed at the moment. That one week of pain, blame and petty trifles brought to light deeper and bigger issues in our hearts; for me, personally, the fear of loving, of putting 100% of my trust in a man when I know 100% as well that he'll fail...
... because there's always going to be a part of us that only God can reach, meet, satisfy, and fulfill. There's always going to be that part of us aching and hungering for unceasing joy and love... and how can we trust a human, with all his/her imperfections, to deliver what we desire most deeply? And when that desire isn't wrong in the first place?
As I tearfully sought and pleaded with God to show me how just to negotiate that paradox in principle and in practice, He opened my eyes to a way of seeing Alv as a new creation in Christ, and that Christ in Him is what I've been drawn towards. Christ in Him is whom I can really choose to trust 100%. As I focused on his love, self-sacrifice, wisdom, passion, strength, courage and maturity they began to overshadow the little bumbling faults I'd been incessantly enlarging in my head, and a strange sense of hope and restfulness began to settle in me. Who is this person I love? Who do I trust, for all a person's weaknesses and failings? Who can I trust, really? The Christ in him; he who has new life; he who is being renewed every morning in his true self; he who is God's perfect gift to me with all the things that I'll learn to love, honour and respect. 'The old has gone, and the new has come'; 'Christ in us - the HOPE of glory'. Where's the focus now? On Christ, and Christ alone. Because the moment I take my eyes off Him, I begin to expect and demand something of a person in ways I know s/he'll never fulfill, not out of any fault of his/hers, but because God alone has a rightful place in that part of my heart... and yours.
And this heightened awareness and understanding of what Love really is - not self-seeking, always trusts, always hopes, always a choice, and always is about the other person for who he is and just as he is - has deepened my desire for God, and enlarged my love for people. What is love when it's invested only with full confidence in its reciprocation? What is love when it can't withstand the assault of hurt? What is love when it's always seeking to hide, seeking to be safe, seeking to conceal its vulnerabilities? No, love is bold, risky, and dangerous - but with the protection and assurance of God's Love, that love becomes even more complete, even more loving, even more selfless.
Even more intimate.
As God led us through and out of that week there's only been an amazing sense of fire in our hearts and intimacy with each other ever since, even as we're miles apart. Another testament to the fact that physical closeness isn't everything, and shouldn't be, and that in its absence God is allowing greater things to happen. Things that will last for a lifetime, whether conflict-resolution skills or a growing transparency of heart, but above all - a continued focus on God and God alone, who'll fuel, mediate in, and use this relationship for His glory. What can I say but yay? :)
aye aye, back to work and essays!
