been a tiring week; it's not just having my phone and camera nicked in a pub, nor falling ill, it's not getting revved up for the weekend away with OCF and then having my back sprained just the day before, not just straddling different commitments between dad who had to be here and workload that seems too abstruse for my liking... but a deeper, deeper sense of struggling through the thoughts, motivations, attitudes and lessons implicated in all these things.
The back sprain came so suddenly and so unexpectedly (I was stretching, of all things), and so timely may I add, that I realised even more the fact that so many things are out of our control, and what happens just happens sometimes, God-willed. It was humbling, when I couldn't even reach for cereal in the cupboard; trying, when I had to squirm around in bed for 10-15 minutes before I could stand up on the floor; and defeating, when I looked at my state of physical health and hated myself for being so weak and useless. And 2 days before this happened I actually "chanced" upon Jacob and his wrestling episode in Genesis 32 at least twice, via articles and weblinks sent by two of my closest friends. The image of Jacob's wrenched hip kept coming back to me, and for sure I knew that my reliance on physical capabilities and strength was being stripped away and I had to come close to God - face-to-face, spirit-to-spirit - empty and in recognition that my strength comes from the Lord, not from perishable, temporal things.
Went to HTB (holy trinity brompton) today and it was amazing...... the speaker (Mike Pilavachi, founder of Soul Survivor) was absolutely hilarious with his irreverent humour and candid honesty. But more than that, what he spoke was absolutely spot on with the various issues and doubts I'd been having over the past week. 'twas particularly about discerning God's voice and confusion regarding a lotta things. I don't know how more spot on it can get.
What I'm incredibly, incredibly thankful and moved about is the fact that someone would actually rush down to my place, lay a hand, say a prayer, listen to tearful confessions, bring me to the clinic, and then to A&E when the clinic referred me there, and then make sure I was alright at home before bringing my dad to heathrow - which took a grand total of 10 hours. Who am I, who am I to deserve such kindness, I ask?? :( Was in serious denial and guilt about such kind, kind grace extended so generously and lovingly to me; but through the actions of this one person I've come to recognise even more the generosity and abundance of God's love, grace, and self-sacrifice. And the experience of being utterly helpless and dependent on that love was a good reminder of Man's (and my) ultimate frailty. :) To be honest, I'm also (surprisingly) feeling thankful that it's just my phone, wallet and back that've gotten into trouble... worse, worse things can happen!!
thanking God for opening my eyes to stuff. :) I've been so rubbish and selfish at a lot of things... but I'm just so thankful He loves me regardless of my performance. glorious...
