Older and wiser people have told me that you see the true natures of people only when problems strike; when all the world's a peaceful haven it's so easy for people to be nice in'it? To be loving, selfless, wonderful... and I guess that's partly why I'm so thankful to be in York. It's such a small community that frictions are inevitable, since all the small things start to matter. But in such a small and harmless context of university in York, these frictions are at least given a chance to be exposed without too much danger. In the city, I find, these frictions get swept under the carpet because there're too many distractions, too much people traffic, too many activities - But these things that get swept under the carpet are still problems, only buried and hidden until one day a problem or person weighty enough brings it all out to light, and there it explodes, or implodes. A claustrophobic environment like this brings it out a little at a time, tries our patience, checks our pride, increases our ability to love. So difficult, but at least there's progress. Better than a lifetime of unknowing repression that culminates in a mid-life crisis of relationships and all. Seems that quarter-life crises are in vogue, even!
Will the world then be a better place if everyone took each problem as a check on one's little pandora bubble of failings? It might tend to excessive self-flagaration though, but being prone to that myself I realise that by self-imposing so much guilt it means that I had so much pride in my self to begin with - that I'm not prone to error, that I shouldn't be prone to error, that I mustn't, I wouldn't, I --
Pride.
But in realising that I've a bubble of both strengths and failings, and yes, accepting that in joy (the hard bit) because each encounter with a weakness is teaching me to love more, I'm recognising slowly but steadily the truths about a person, about persons, about inter-personal relations. And I've come to realise that frictions between 2 people always symptomise problems on both sides, and surely this is nothing new. The little bubble of failings we carry on our skins always rub off on certain people in a bad way, especially when these 2 bubbles collide in a way that re-enacts clashes with certain difficult people of the past. And sooner or later this bubble of failings will rub off badly even on people you get along well with at present, especially when proximity and frequency of contact increase. It's no wonder then that marriages are so difficult, or that people always want some individual 'space' - no one's quite as willing to face or sort out their little bubble of failings completely, each is content to keep it as it is, hide it, hide it from the public view. Avoid confrontations, keep up a performance, 'tis all a social thing anyway.
But when each problem comes along, whether it's a breakdown of the photocopier machine, or a bus that runs 30 mins late, or when a person's incredibly annoying - perhaps the world will just be a better place if we're not too anxious to point the finger at other causes, even when there's a fault with them... because there's a fault in our bubbles that we need to sort out in the first place. And it's easier to deal with oneself than to manage the bubbles of others, no?
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3-4
Thank God for frictions! And for pain in those situations! I'm being humbled with all the tears and frustrations, but humbled also in knowing that I can't change myself, or people, but I surrender to One who can and who has. And as these many little failings get sorted out in safe environments like York's, transitioning to the next year in London or Singapore would mean healthier relationships and more self-awareness - frictions no longer have to be swept under the carpet because they've been accustomed to be dealt with in a transparent, honest and loving manner here in York. And it's times like these I'm ever so grateful for problems, for people, for my little bubble of failings, and I rejoice in the fact that there's more to go, more onion layers to peel, more love to learn. :)
