God's good. All the time. And He answers prayers.
And the best thing about it that they're not just empty religious cliches. they're actually true! yippeee!
On the other side of every bit of pain there's healing and redemption indeed. Been through an intense 5 days when suddenly, and not coincidentally I believe, all the weakest areas of my life started to surface. And this time my eyes were opened to other aspects of the same issue, and how they clearly manifested in the littlest things like the way I responded to comments or the way I can't separate objective arguments from personal attack sometimes. For the past 5 days I seemed to go through a re-enactment of pre-healing days too. Became rather afraid of people again; went into seminar on Monday actually feeling like I was gonna cry anytime because I was afraid they'd bite me. Also the bipolar disorder returned; felt crazily happy at one moment and tearfully pained at another. But I kept going back to God, I tried - failed many times, because self-will and religious rituals are painfully useless on their own. So I let go instead, rendered myself utterly empty, and let Him come to me. And thru those blank spaces and painful silences - just emptiness - His whispers were clear, concise and on the spot - things I hadn't even noticed about my subsubconscious, things about my pride, my ambition, that's causing a restless anxiety regarding ideals of the future, because I let my performance dictate who I am. Hence the fear of shame, the fear of losing, the aiming for goals not meant to be mine and not best for me, and subsequently anxious breakdowns, no matter how small - all stemming from a deeper insecurity from a lack of trust. God is bigger than I think He is. and He loves me more than I'm willing to accept. His will is best.
And that was incredibly freeing! Not blind submission to doctrine, not a panic repetition of self-help consolations, but this discovery of a warmth, a snugness, a relationship of trust, that security that if it's meant to be yours, God will fight for you. That He's not an unfeeling tyrant, but the gentle Lover who wants what's best for you, and a wise Father who knows what's best. Not blind submission to doctrine, not a panic repetition of self-help consolations, but a relationship. A relationship as real as any other relationship on earth.
So much for all the 'rights' movements that're moving rather into extremity now... sometimes the more 'rights' you claim for your own the more insecure you are about losing or fighting for them, though of course I don't entirely condone the other extreme. But there's a strange, silent power to surrendering... and best, surrendering that right to the One who's rightly able to fight that Right out. Humbling. God, humble me.
God is good. All the time. And He answers prayers. :)
