Robert Ailwood, a 3rd-year student who stayed down the row of houses from me in Lindley, passed away recently. I don't know him personally but I've got friends who do; they say no one really knows what happened because the last someone saw him was in a pub in York, and the very next they found his body floating in the river. Life... incredibly frail, fragile, isn't it?
It's so easy to coop yourself in your room with, heh, all the world in your laptop, all the things you need to know about life and communication and relationships framed within the mechanics of a running machine. Even Quiet Times with the comfort of the bed and the snuggly duvet got incredibly stifling; I felt so crowded in with stress about MA's and choices and December plans and lots of other minute details I didn't feel God's peace or hear God at all. In my head I kept telling myself, Just let it go, just pray about it, surrender it, let it go, be still, be still before God, release, but it got nowhere, save occasional feelings of lightness. Picked up a book which was a teatime devotional written precisely for quiet breaks in between the mania of hectic schedules in modern-day living - and it echoed so much of what I 'read' the past couple of days but haven't 'known' (so easy to read things and think you know them isn't it). Slow down, Slowwwwwwwwww down.
"What do you mean slow down? I need to get faster, everyone's catching up and chasing past me!"
[Silence]
And that's why God keeps quiet sometimes - I'm not even listening. But He's so sweet. After I put down that book I felt a gentle prod, You feel crummy? Come, come on out. I'll take you for a walk. And so I did. And oh my, it was beautiful. Awesome... the sky outside today was a gorgeous blue, the sun such a beautiful spotlight to the lines and shades of Nature's artistry; I walked, sang, looked at the fowl on the lake and flowers by the side - and thought of the sparrows and the lilies I've read so often about. Why worry, when your Dad's got it all in His hand? Sat down on a bench by the lake, and wow, the birds in the sky were doing some kind of a dance routine. It was sooo beautiful.
Sometimes He doesn't need us to go through the routines, of reciting, of confessing, of crying, and praying till our mouths are dry, our souls feel empty and our hearts remain hard - sometimes He really wants us to take us on a walk with Him; to release all the negatitivies and self-preoccupations, a kind of self-emptying, before we come to our calmer senses and are ready to listen to whatever He's got to say instead of going "But but but there's this and there's that and oh my effing goodness" or "God, I feel blah. and I don't want to blah. But I blah". Just a walk. Just a walk by the still waters and green pastures by the Shepherd who shows compassion to the brokenhearted and weak. Guess it's been a good lesson about why I find God so silent sometimes, why He doesn't seem to be answering.
Well, basically, sometimes I've just got it all wrong. :)
Jesus, keep me from all wrong;
I'll be satisfied as long
As I walk, let me walk close to Thee.
Just a closer walk with Thee,
Grant it, Jesus, is my plea,
Daily walking close to Thee,
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.
Through this world of toil and snares,
If I falter, Lord, who cares?
Who with me my burden shares?
None but Thee, dear Lord, none but Thee.
Just a closer walk with Thee,
Grant it, Jesus, is my plea,
Daily walking close to Thee,
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.
When my feeble life is o'er,
Time for me will be no more;
Guide me gently, safely o'er
To Thy kingdom shore, to Thy shore.
Just a closer walk with Thee,
Grant it, Jesus, is my plea,
Daily walking close to Thee,
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.
