It's a heavy day; started out at church really amazingly as I felt 'in frequency with the angels' worship' (to quote John Barton) and it's been so long since I sobbed at a p&w session. Didn't really know what was wrong, just felt so touched, so touched by a Father who loves me...
... was incredibly happy and chirpy, but there was a weird bubble of tears inside of me that needed pouring out. Msged Tim and he sent me a link to a beautiful video which broke abit of that bubble; then Rokey msged me separately and it broke more of that bubble. At the end of it all I felt incredibly weak, vulnerable, and tired. So tired.
And I've been feeling so fatigued for a long time without knowing now. It's not just the physical weakness, it's the thought and act of carrying everything on my own shoulders as if my actions were all that mattered; that I had to do this, and this, and that, no that, and this as well, and everything became a mire of endless paranoia and restless anxiety. Talked to mom after that and my words became such a reflection of my state of mind - a roundabout blabbering of directionless thoughts. And my mom - oh, my mom - is the most wonderful and gorgeous woman I've ever met in the whole wide world; such an angel from God who makes it all so, so clear to me. And it's not even things that I haven't heard before; they're all echoes of things that God has been patiently pointing out but I just haven't been opening my ears to......
And I just have to let things go. Let people go. I'm not going to try anymore, not with my own effort. It's not a matter of giving up; I'm just not going to spend myself on account of the ambition and things that I want to do rather than what He wants. And sometimes it'll mean just leaving things as they are, not moving until they move first; sometimes it'll mean... that things won't look too pretty on the surface. But God's in charge. And God knows better.
And that's where I'm liberated
"你要冷静。冷静下来。来自神的 confirmations 是没有挣扎，没有怀疑的。是带着平安的。”
冷静。
没有挣扎。
平安。
