It's been quite a potentially-depressing day, and when I say depressing I guess I refer to things that've happened along the day that have tried to make a grab for my emotions but after dying to myself again and again, and learning to submit to God, I admit it's a lot better than it could have been......
Went for my first film lecture today, Trainspotting. Yeah I've watched it before, and my 2nd time watching it I didn't fancy it that much, 'cuz the book somehow addressed a lot of things more humanely. But the book isn't easy to read either. I find myself squirming not at the F's and C's that appear every 2 lines or less (in a bad/good way I've become immune to it), but at... everything in it. How women are just shag-objects and victims of violence, mistreatment, even unwanted pregnancy; how they're just so vulnerable, while these blokes have the glam of beating the arses out of everyone else or getting hits of heroin and hash, or just the glam of hitting on a chick, whatever. I don't want to be a self-righteous *doh* but I really feel uncomfortable about the way guys were slashing each other not physically but in terms of verbal abuse, backstabbing, betrayals - due to what? drugs, money? chicks. sexuality, even. I had to keep uttering a prayer and consciously distance myself from what I'm reading again and again, because I just get too 'into' books and films. Guess this is something I've got to learn; literary distance is good sometimes, yeah? Tho it takes the 'pish' out of your emotive imagination sometimes.
But one thing I really realised from the book is how quickly people jump to anger, and how they blame everything in the world except themselves, which escalates the anger anyway. This guy Bagbie in the novel (and film, actually) is... psychotic. He's just angry all the time, breaking things and almost killing people by simply picking fights on the most trivial of things, and blames everything on everyone else but him - He knocked into me; the systems and the world's all sh*te; That bloke's a C; yada yada...
And it was so obvious to all around him that the problem was him. I'll quote from the novel:
"... He believes that ah'm suffering fae low self-esteem, and that ah'm refusing tae acknowledge that by projecting the blame oantae society. He feels that ma means ay emasculating the rewards and praise (and conversely condemnation) available tae me by society is not a rejection ay these values per se, but an indication that ah dinnae feel good enough (or bad enough) aboot masel tae accept them. Rather than come oot and say: Ah don't think ah have these qualities (or ah think ah'm better than that), Ah say: It's a loaday f*in sh*te anywey..."
And while so many grumble, there's still a larger picture out there and greater causes to moan about. Was in the sports centre's changing room today when I received a text from Gaius saying Karen was just involved in a car accident and was brain dead and on life support. I was totally numb - she was only 23? 24? I'd just seen her before I left and she and Linda just passed me a book about God's grace, I'd just seen that face before I left. but no it's not about me - after a confusing time of not knowing how to feel, the pain crept in as I started to think of her family and the possible confusion in people's hearts back home in church. Was in quite a daze as I walked back to Halifax.
Lord, it's all in Your hands. And there're so many things we don't understand, but what can we do? I entrust it all to You and pray You will comfort those who grieve, and answer those who question. I still trust that You are Love, but I pray You'll let us know what Your will is... thank You, Father.
It was a potentially-depressing day... and it could be affecting, but I thank God it wasn't. It's uncanny how much God's been reminding me so much recently about reality and life in Ecclesiastes-fashion -
what are riches, degrees, money, relationships, nature, momentary happiness and experiences, transitory love, celebrations and parties, friends, family...? Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless
And I will trust in You alone.
