God is faithful faithful awesome beautiful wonderful loving patient kind fantastic faithful faithful faithful lah...!!!!!!
Oh my goodness I feel like the BUBBLE has lifted, the bubble of cloudiness and insecurity and disappointments and pain from the past - everything's just lifted this morning after a massive 2 weeks of spiritual accusations and attack! Was sprawled on the floor yesterday and sobbing so hard I wanted to scream and yell the anger out, yell all the nonsensical fears of ever being hurt again, but I didn't dare to alert my housemates so all I could do was scream into my duvet. then came a point when I knew I needed prayer desperately, that this fight wasn't physical and it was shredding my entire wits and soul into pieces: suddenly I've returned to what I was like again before I properly knew God and grew in His love; I was drenched in so much fear, locked myself up in my room, didn't want to face people for the whole day, felt especially weak and vulnerable, and I kept crying, and crying, and crying - yes I know it sounds completely melodramatic and excessive, but all the hurt and abandonment from the past just kept returning, and accusations! yes Accusations! from the big fat Father of all LIARS that I am too weak and useless to overcome these difficulties, that I'm not ever going to get better and the past is stuck with me for good, that I could never ever know God as a loving Father because I never had one to compare it with, that I'm bound to hurt and rejection in my life -- all these LIES were emotionally and psychologically driving me mad and I desperately texted Heng Chin, Tash, Tim and Ailin to pray against this. The amazing thing is before I even texted Heng Chin about anything she had a sense that something was wrong and she came down to talk with me and pray; later on when the pain escalated Ailin came into my room after I sent her a text of plea and in sobs I tried to tell her what was going on but thank God for using her to pray, and I needed that hug. Felt physically drained for the rest of the day and just didn't want to face anything/anyone... tidied my room, prepared my library books, went to sleep.
In the morning (today) I woke up feeling sore from all the crying, but with a steadier heartbeat to appreciate the sun-rays from outside. Was still shaky, went down to get some cereal and came up again, but didn't have the appetite to finish it , but I just felt like crawling back to my bed, crawling back under my duvet and under the warmth and love of my Father whom I know won't hurt me. But that didn't feel right either; God prepares you to go out and face the world, but I was in desperate denial and, using Shiao En's analogy, I wanted to stay on the mountain and not come down. Got a text from Tash who asked me how I was so I replied saying I still felt vulnerable, and then texted my mom, Ailin, Heng Chin and Shiao En to request for prayer too (sorry men, I love you all too! but in this particular issue I felt this was a battle I feel girls would understand better...). Thank God for community and fellowship - that in times of need I can just send out a text and the weapons of prayer can be summoned. Thank you all sisters for being just absolute darlings, and I *love you* so much. Anyway, Heng Chin came down first and prayed for me - the dear girl prayed so many things that connected with my heart and tho I was comforted I kept tearing, and wrapped myself in my duvet. When she left my mom called (what perfect timing - or was it the other way round? my mom called, then she came in) and encouraged me not to lose heart or to believe in those lies, that I am God's and no one can take me away from Him; this battle's not mine to fight it's God's, and we've already won. ahh I love my mommy. After talking to Heng Chin and my mom I continued to wrap myself in my duvet and talk to Daddy, sometimes just stare into space and 'worship' (you know sometimes you can look into your lover's face without saying anything.. and just adore? yeah, like that). And then His words of comfort came again - Psalm 91, 138, 23, everywhere, suddenly I felt it lift and there was joy, joy, growing joy inside of my heart. It was immense but it was inexplicable - how can such despair be replaced with such joy and hope so suddenly? Praise my Daddy, my Lord, my Love! Before long I found myself laughing and rejoicing because I know He is, He's there, and He's sheltering me under His wing, holding me in His security. It wasn't just knowing, it was knowing. and I thank you all who've been praying for me, because it couldn't have 'clicked' with just an empty reading of the bible or just pseudo-meditation, it was the Spirit and God's reality that really hit me. The reality of His protection and love... It says,
"You come near my girl and I beat the daylights out of you."
Though I am surrounded by troubles,
you will preserve me against the anger of my enemies.
You will clench your fist against my angry enemies!
Your power will save me.
- Psalm 138:7
So the whole of today was joy joy joy, joy rediscovered in the First Love of Jesus. My appetite resumed its normal size (yes, you can always tell my emotional life with my appetite, haha) and it was a fantastic lunch of bak kut teh, chicken rice, salmon and stir-fried lettuce, and thanks so much Rokey for your call and concern, it meant so much :) ahh, and Louis - your Alpro! is another way of telling me God provides and He loves me. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh....
Thank You Abba. Within the span of a few days I've seen once again the old me metamorphosise into who I am today, and everything's so beautiful because You're here. It's not because I'm a good girl, or strong, or capable in any way thinkable; I am weak and so utterly helpless, but it's Your grace, entirely Your grace that's freely given to all, to anyone who seeks You! You've truly set me free... and Jesus, you absolutely ROCK. I love You...
