Am still praying about it, but I might not be going to China this summer after all - was in quite an intensified hype since a few days ago when I received an email from John about inner Mongolia, and it reminded me to settle flight details back to Singapore and then to Luoyuan - had to then face the mania of deciding quickly between Luoyuan and inner Mongolia. And a thought popped into my head, maybe I shouldn't be going to China at all? Am I going because of fun and ambition, purely out of my own wishes? or am I really going for Daddy's sake? If I don't go to China, I could stay in England for a while more and still fly back to SG for a good few weeks before Tim flies off again.
Ambition...
Past 2 days have been a manic mess because I felt totally numb to God's voice due to the overwhelming anxiety and load of the essay - crushed under my own expectations - that I felt so wretched the whole of yesterday trying to think about where I've gone wrong academically and spiritually. but God's been so faithful, it struck me twice so amazingly during service yesterday that He's STILL talking to me, that no matter how unconscious of it I am, I'm unwittingly still guided beneath His wings and hearing His voice. Nevertheless I was still guilty for not being faithful enough, buried under the weight of self-expectation and legalism, that I tried evading the whole thought of it yesterday, even tho I knew I should have returned home earlier for some good time with God. Was wearied with the nagging thought and LIE that my hyper-emotional days of yore have returned, so everything spiralled downwards even quicker. then I showered, just switched off the computer, laid there and bawled - just ranted everything out and spoke to God like I would to a husband. That air of familiarity, love and that feeling of just being in His arms returned - I cried under the cloud of weakness, uselessness and deafness, but no, verses started popping out of nowhere, verses that all fit so well
I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me - Phil 4:13
Nothing can separate us from the love of God - Romans 8
He who began a work in you will bring it to completion - Phil 1
Like bubble balloons in comics these verses and more just started raining down and then this immense joy rose up within; I was more aware of my limitations and weaknesses then, more aware of reality and facades, but I was overjoyed to know the final victory is claimed and from past experiences I know God IS there and God is faithful. and so despite my faithlessness and inability to measure up -
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, Romans 8:1
And so this morning I was spending some quiet time not trying to ask for anything but just resting, resting. Resting and 'looking up' (even with my eyes closed) in silence. Dwelling in His love. there's a song I wrote and sang once at OMNI which Cui likes very much and it goes I'll look into Your beauty every second / gaze into Your unimaginable glory/ Fall facedown before Your majesty / Words are simply not enough, mere constrictions placed on Your incomprehensible limitless / but I don't have to say anything for You look into my heart and that was exactly how it was. Just... beautiful silence. 沉默是金！ *wink* :)
So, because He said - seek Me, not the answer - I didn't quite ask for an answer to the Luoyuan/inner Mongolia/England/Singapore/flights/summer mess but throughout the day I've been talking to various people and I seem to be getting a greater sense of peace about not going to China (still needs lots of prayer tho, it's not confirmed >.< ). There was a sudden recollection on how the subject of Family has been brought up repetitively over the past few days - everyday! - during YCCF's testimony-sharing, during chats with Huang and Heng Chin. Talked to Ma just now and she reminded me of the realities of Inner Mongolia and the dates of the trip (it didn't quite fit anyway), said Kor's got a Master's scholarship to Carleton College and was leaving in August; emailed Michelle, talked to Wenjie, who said he'll be flying off in August for UMich as well; talked to Ailin, who said she probably wasn't going; did more self-introspection along the day and realised that it was really my ambitious fault for allowing myself to be torn between so many decisions. I do it all the time and I never learn - I just take on too many things and burn myself out in the end. And, so 'coincidentally' (because I don't believe in coincidences), I was reading a book I bought at Spring Harvest this morning and it was addressing precisely that, amongst other things - the insecurity of having to busy myself all the time... Ambition, ambition, ambition...
And so I'm learning, at least there's joy, fulness of joy in His presence :) And I might be looking forward this time just to spend a little while more in England with my friends, spend a little while more with my best friend in Singapore, and spending a little while more with my brother back home before he flies off.
God's plans are higher than ours...
