The wind was semi-cruel and our hoodies were up; deep in the still of a 3 am walk my lips were uttering to Heng Chin remnants of the past while my mind was fighting - fighting, what exactly? Voices of disenchantment, echoes of disappointments, fear of men? Fighting to know that all is past and it's been a clean slate from the day I found my Husband, fighting the bleeding that occurs every now and then to remind me that I wasn't perfect, I'm still frail, and I need my Lord so much? They still return to haunt - the days when Moon was Queen, the figures, 12 seemed like 14, 13 seemed like 11, 15 seemed like 50. 那时候真的什么都不懂. 真傻... Chords from The Constant Gardener struck a certain note with my inner sensibilities, leaving the soil fertile for such emotional vulnerability as questions about being hurt float by my ears like melancholic music soothing to the ear yet sore to the heart. and them, oh how they wrenched every bit of my existence till I was dry and foaming with blood and hatred, how every word from them was a spit of poison from which I must distance myself, but also how every part of me was clinging onto a death-rope when I clamour for more - but then again, then again, these are just empty ramblings and muffled cries that were my closest friends for a large part of my life, and now I leave them behind; I leave betrayals behind; I leave empty superficial promises and b***ards behind, all 2, 3, 4? 5? or more? I can't even remember their names; I leave it all
because He gently reminded me again this morning,
"I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness. . .
. . .I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign LORD. I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd the flock with justice. . .
. . .I will make a covenant of peace with them and rid the land of wild beasts so that they may live in the desert and sleep in the forests in safety. . .
. . . I break the bars of their yoke and rescue them from the hands of those who enslaved them. They will no longer be plundered by the nations, nor will wild animals devour them. They will live in safety, and no one will make them afraid."
Lord, You're my Protector.
