Random night, random feelings, random post. This is not going to come out coherent.
Random feelings. I don't know why but I feel awfully mixed up about everything, maybe it's just the kinda feeling you get when you're tired because most of the time I wake up in the morning feeling all betters. Emotions are not a faithful friend, but they're a friend to the faithful. So I've heard.
Sarah McLachlan's Do What You Have to Do wrecks me so; shouldn't have played it when I got back. It's awfully heart-wrenching...
What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage? Created you a monster, broken by the rules of love
And faith has led you through it, you do what you have to do
And I have the sense to recognise that I don't know how to let you go
What's 'you'? A gadzillion things, things in this world that I'm unwilling to relinquish because of my stubborn self, things, people, friendships, relationships, the time I have now in uni, things, things of this world I can't loosen my grasp on, and I'm so glad that the Lord forgives forgives forgives me and understands my weaknesses. I feel so ashamed most of the time. But the Lord will not condemn me. Give me strength to carry the cross. Give me strength.
A thousand butterflies and caterpillars flying, crawling, turning round and round into the mesh of dead leaves and lush-red roses, seeking air, seeking water, seeking death, meeting their absolute selves in the cocoon of which they break out, to which they return.
Teach me to be humble. I'm such an arrogant ass sometimes.
Life is cyclical... read this really fantastic passage by Elisabeth Elliot. It's long, but a good read.
"Might God sometimes take from us our love because we love too much? I don't think so. Surely it is impossible to love 'too much,' for love is from God, who is Love. Usually we love too little and too sentimentally. Our love, God-given though it be, is usually mixed up with possessiveness and selfishness. It needs strengthening and purifying. Human love is often inordinate, which means disorderly, unregulated, unrestrained, not limited to the usual bounds. If we love someone more than we love God, it is worse than inordinate - it is idolatry. When God is first in our hearts, all other loves are in order and find their rightful place. If God is not first, other loves, even those which are in no sense sexual, easily turn into self-gratification and therefore destroy both the lover and the beloved."
Will post more passages by E. Elliot soon.
