Not a good day, not a good day at all.
But I look back on what I was like last time and I praise God that I've changed so much in my attitude towards things...
Alarm rang at 7ish, I shut it off saying, "Please God, I'm sorry, I need more sleep." Woke up at a hellish time of 11, decided to give 1215 prayer a miss. That means I've been lazy and missed 2 of my prayer meetings - woke up in guilt and was very blur. Still sleepy and nodding off; tried to pray, kept drifting off, got out of bed, switched on the light, brushed my teeth and splashed my face with ice-cold water. Heard voices outside; housemates going for lunch. Missed me out again, until the very last minute, thought I was already ok about it, then Satan hurled his arrows of accusation (coupled with guilt) and bitterness, which jumped onto issues back home until I kept tearing and crying and crying because ich fühlte mich ignoriert und bitter about everything - mainly trying too hard to love and very evidently seeing the scraps of human love dished out of convenience and indifference. slowly I started to see that I was blinded by the arrows and decided to pack up my stuff and go for lecture - Joy called - asked for flights and stuff. Left house at 1.05pm for a 1.15pm lecture which was technically a 20-min walk away; walked so fast I didn't feel cold in a single jumper - caught my breath. whew, lecture started late. Realised I didn't have my breakfast and lunch - going to gym with Ailin later, oh wells I should be able to make it. Lecture ended, still feeling sore from spiritual wounds tho healing, went gymming after all. Worked out well for 1 hour ish, after weights my lungs felt like they collapsed - I collapsed on a seat, couldn't see, couldn't breathe, couldn't hear - Ears were getting more and more blocked - could only hear vague sounds and Ailin's voice next to mine asking me if I were alright. Vision was totally covered in black fuzz - couldn't see anyone but rough shapes and figures even when eyes were totally open - felt utterly crap! As if I just swallowed a ton of weights and they're crushing my respiratory system and heart - felt like collapsing to the ground - FIGHTING IT FIGHTING IT - Ailin got help - spoke to the man - everything was purple - everything was muffled - couldn't catch my breath. Seemed so surreal on retrospect. It was even between subconscious and unconscious - I was doing everything out of instinct, not rational.. 'cept for part when I was speaking to the nice gym man. Nice gym man got me water - surprisingly most of the purple spots cleared as I talked and colour returned to my eyes. Oh my goodness that was a horrible, horrible feeling. Never felt that horrible physically since the 2001 op. Weak limbs... poor dear Ailin really shaken by it (sorry!) and after that we went for a sandwich at Roger Kirk.
Went for German, realised I've deteriorated so much over the summer hols and really overwhelmed by the knowledge of my classmates - they knew so much! Went home feeling quite dejected, weak, and down... it was cold, really cold. Covered my head with my hood and trudged onward home. Slowly spirits started to build up and dear Sarah Feathers MSNed me to tell me she missed home too. Started having a conversation and God struck me with a thought thru that convo... got better.
And hmm, now? It was a horrible day I guess. But it's one-of-a-kind... and I'm still praising and thanking God :) Don't know for what exactly, for everything I guess! Throughout the day I was still praying and thanking... and I know just a year ago I would have sworn and cursed perpetually. In denial? I don't think so - a denying fellow will struggle with his denials and ultimately collapse. I'm getting happier and more peaceful, praise God :) Not being complacent. But I feel weak and thankful that I'm so weak.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest..."
Rest... rest in God's arms.
