I'm fine, I really am.
But I seem to be fluctuating wildly from indifference - to ecstasy - to emptiness - to joy again... well maybe it's not as drastic as it sounds but it goes gradually from one extreme to the other. I can start the day praising and thanking God and it will last right through the day, but somehow at night melancholia grows and I start getting fidgety and wrong.
Like a pastor said once, "Emotions are not a faithful friend, but emotions can be a friend to the faithful."
oh well. I guess I really have to commit commit commit my emotions to God. I woke up today carrying remnants of what was present yesterday. The stress from work (albeit not as terrible as last term), loneliness and really, this sense of longing for home. Maybe 'cuz Ailin, Cui and I were talking about home yesterday. And JC days. Primary-school days. Yada.
But what's there at home for me to long for?
'Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear. Forget your people and your father's house. The king is enthralled by your beauty; Honour him, for he is your lord." Ps 45:10-11
I miss my family and my best friend. But I must put them down.
I miss the good ol' JC days. But I must forget them.
Time after time I cling so tightly to the past I forget the joys of living in the present - especially when I am presented such a wonderful opportunity to study here. Learning to put it down really has its difficulties, but "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil 4:13).
Sigh. I can feel the duplicity within me now, and it's quite freaky. I feel fine on the surface, but it seems that something within is clawing and wailing and shouting to escape.
Think I'll go spend some time with my lovely Father.
