Ahh.
Finally, the essay is finished and the seminar on Mrs Dalloway is over. I've got another seminar tomorrow and it's all going to be about feminist writing but I feel much lighter by the fact that my essay's done and over with. I've got an uneasy feeling about it tho, because it ran to a word count of 4054 words (including block quotes) when the limit is 2000. Well I wrote an essay of 2800ish the last time and she didn't say anything... but this time it's like, what, 3500 words without the quotes? Oh nooo. I really didn't know I was being so long-winded. It's not good. I like the points in my essay, but the length... not good. Not good at all.
But at least it's over! :)
I must always remind myself to look forward and not back. And that things aren't as terrible as they appear to be. And that God is with me and for me, so who/what can be against me?
It's difficult, but I'm trying to be conscious of God's presence every moment in my life. I always forget about him when I'm absorbed in work or something... but I'm trying to get myself to think about Him whenever I can. I heard it takes a lot of practice to actually shift your thoughts to God at every spare moment, even at occupied moments. But if I don't make an effort to do that I fear I'll just forget Him and how important He is to me. Ironic isn't it? If He's so important why do I forget Him? The human condition of taking things for granted and complacency... aye.
Oh anyway. God is good. God is the sweetest ever!
I was feeling quite down a couple of days ago... emotionally, I couldn't get hold of myself and I started missing home and friends like crazy. The thought of them would crush my heart and I just felt so burdened by work and my poor health at that point. Felt a sense of fatigue that bites right into your bones and consumes you - not any kind of fatigue but the dreadful feeling you get when you're just about to fall terribly ill. And I was giddy, I had diarrhoea... on top of that I had readings to do and an essay to rush (finished it at 4am this morning...). It just seemed so overwhelming at that point of time. Emailed Ma and she called me in the morning to pray about everything... she gave me blocks of verses from Isaiah 40 and after we hung up I went on to pray and meditate on those words. God used that prayer to reach a certain, deeper level of consciousness in me... I felt awful about being so worrisome but everything had just seemed too heavy to bear - but after I prayed there was a sense of peace about it. Still felt heavy-laden, but there was a sense of serenity that accompanied the thoughts of those burdens... the verses that I read after restored God's peace in its entirety. I felt so calm and assured that He will be faithful to His promises, like He has been so far. There never was once where He promised something and let me down! And here it's been promises of assurance, comfort and strength. I felt like God was saying, "You want strength? You'll get strength. Just... learn to trust!" Ohhh. And another thing. God often repeats His message until I get it (considering I'm so stubborn)... and over these few days it's been the same resounding message I've been getting over the entire year about many things: Wait. I'm really impatient with a lot of things, easily frustrated with screw-ups, eager to jump into emotional imbalances without really being conscious of them, etc. It's been a message of patience all along. Patience when it comes to God. "Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait, I say, on the LORD!" Psalm 27:14. And a famous verse, Isaiah 40:31 "But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint." So.. yeah. It's a lot about waiting. Waiting on the Lord's strength. Waiting on His plan. Waiting for His assignments...
Oh well. Enough musing about myself. I hope everything at church and home is alive and kicking (everything, not everyone)... looking forward to return home! Will be returning home for almost a whole month! Yippee!
