hmm. Hmmmmm.

tis been an interesting week, not to say the least painful, but I kinda get it now when the bible talks about trials producing an immense amount of joy, hope, and faith in God at the end of it... and that everything, including the not-so-nice bits about life, really work for the good of those who love Him.

The verse 'acknowledge Him in all your ways, and HE will make your path straight' (prov 3) comes round full circle again to mean something more, as the Word does with every subsequent reading and with layers of subsequent experiences. Was supposed to be in Holland at this time - yes now - but due to an uncanny turn of events I'm still in London and will be giving my darling's baptism a miss. But the incredible thing is in knowing that God's hand is MIGHTY enough to transcend or work through anything, yes anything, even the often overlooked 'non-spiritual' (so-called) aspects of life such as bus schedules, internet accessibility, engaged phonelines, gym workouts, backaches, and so on. Well as the story goes I'd been early for my shuttle coach to Stansted London and was waiting at Liverpool St for the Terravision bus to arrive at 3.05pm. But it never did.. or so I thought, because this dark blue bus with the word 'Excalibur' came instead. I waited on and got increasingly anxious because my flight was at 5.05pm and I figured 3.35pm was the very last possible bus I could take since it'd get me to Stansted by 4.45pm and I could check in and run at the speed of lightning to the gates. But the bus only came at 3.55pm, and I got to Stansted at 5.05pm. Rushed to a check-in counter and asked for permission to cut - but the guy at the counter said the plane already took off 10 mins before.

Crestfallen, I guess my only option then was to check out the ticket sales counter to ask if they had any flights to Eindhoven later that day. Spoke to Alv on the phone and he told me not to get anything if it were more than the admin transfer charge of 30-40 quid. As it goes the Ryanair lady told me the next flight was at 7am the next day, and there was a transfer fee for 50 quid. I knew for sure that Alv wouldn't let me take that flight, because, well, it was 50 quid, and it was way too early in the morn. Called him to check and he confirmed my thoughts and told me not to get it; I reluctantly pulled myself away from the counter and sat down on one of the seats, asking him if he felt it was God's will or if it was anxiety over money/safety. "What do you think?" he answered. I had no idea. We prayed. 'twas an honest prayer of surrendering our own desires, plans, and thoughts... and despite the twisted pangs in my heart I felt a silent nudge going 'Don't go.' We both felt the peace about it, and I surrendered that to the Lord, grabbed my bag, and took another 1 hr ride back to Liverpool St.

"So... no more flowers (meaning tulips)?"
"Well... I've got an orange bouquet in my hand right now..."

It sure was painful. But amidst that sense of pain I had a peace that God was intervening, for some reason(s) I really didn't know/see/understand despite all the speculations we both make about it. All we're clear about at this point, is that God is somehow amazing, and amazingly reassuring. A price of about 20 quid on the air tickets, and maybe travelling time on the bus along with expectations and hopes of a beach and tulip holiday (most of all, time with him)...... but we've both come to see that God's sovereign, and for whatever reason the trip couldn't take place we knew that it was good. Sure enough, lots of doubts and self-accusations kept circling in my head: 'What if I'd been more alert... what if I'd been etc. etc.' But mom called to reassure me she felt the same conviction of God's hand in this too... one of many reasons being our need to concentrate on work for this period. Guess we foolhardily decided to take a trip out when our own dissertation/report work was struggling to complete. Read Romans 1 on the bus back and Paul 'happened' to write about his intentions to visit Rome being disrupted a number of times. Listened to a sermon on Ruth the next day which also 'happened' to be about Naomi and her husband leaving Bethlehem (a place of God's security) for Moab, where tragedy after tragedy befell, since Naomi's husband and two sons died subsequently. Hmm. I wondered what would happen if I went...? That'd be a little scary for thought though.

But most importantly, after a painful surrender to the reality of God's STOP to this trip (over 4 days of wrestling for me), my eyes once again to see a number of things -

that this relationship exists not just for self-contained comfy lovin' and self-contained mutual happiness. That'd be too parochial. Love is given to proliferate and bless even more people, not be self-contained - and we've both come to see how an 'incident' like this has blessed many friends around us...

that God is very much in control of our relationship, yay! an amazing reassurance since both of us can be inconsistent bumbling fools in our own strength.

that we've really got to keep seeking God's direction above our own 'great ideas' on things

that yes, we screw up even in seeking and planning

but also - that even when we screw up, He intervenes and makes the path right again, if our hearts are really and continually focused on 'seeking' and 'asking'. Daddy's in control hm? :)

need to rest in His steady arms and stop striving so hard.