What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love
痛。
... I don't know what to say, really. Tragedy strikes and it can be incredibly painful to read about, what more to experience it as close as a bystander, witness or family member? 5 young, able-bodied, strong lads who have a future ahead of them; a freak accident; and then dead. How on earth, who'd have thought...? The 22 guys probably thought it was no biggie to row back after an exhausting race, exactly like what we think sometimes that it's no biggie to walk home alone at 11pm at night. But such things can happen - do happen - and like what my mom always used to say, happens in a matter of minutes that hit you so quick that there's no time for thought, rational action, life's flashbacks. Regret.
Very humbling. and necessarily so. That we can ambitiously plan our whole lives ahead, work towards short-term, medium-term and long-term goals, or be obsessed about relationships and having fun, when ultimately so many things just aren't within our control. And it's a painful reckoning, an almost self-annihilating surrender to inevitability, but ultimately... the truth, isn't it?
thankfully it doesn't end there, and reality doesn't have to be that dismal.
"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth... And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Rev 21
My condolences and grief for the families of the 5, for the surviving rowers, for the captain who has to bear the weight of accountability, responsibility and sorrow. I pray that God will comfort those who mourn, and be near to the broken-hearted. Lord, be in that situation.
overthinking.
not good enough to write an MA essay to air my opinions with my tutor to challenge a critic sexuality gender man woman queer sex blah friend brother lover timing now future mature right wrong intimacy separation huhhhhhhhhh.
just want some cheese, crackers and bon maman blackcurrant jam. curl up on a couch and be able to read what i want to read. stare out the window and know He holds me in place.
i love my housemates. they're incredibly sweet!!
-would post a picture up but they're all gone in the camera i lost-
been a tiring week; it's not just having my phone and camera nicked in a pub, nor falling ill, it's not getting revved up for the weekend away with OCF and then having my back sprained just the day before, not just straddling different commitments between dad who had to be here and workload that seems too abstruse for my liking... but a deeper, deeper sense of struggling through the thoughts, motivations, attitudes and lessons implicated in all these things.
The back sprain came so suddenly and so unexpectedly (I was stretching, of all things), and so timely may I add, that I realised even more the fact that so many things are out of our control, and what happens just happens sometimes, God-willed. It was humbling, when I couldn't even reach for cereal in the cupboard; trying, when I had to squirm around in bed for 10-15 minutes before I could stand up on the floor; and defeating, when I looked at my state of physical health and hated myself for being so weak and useless. And 2 days before this happened I actually "chanced" upon Jacob and his wrestling episode in Genesis 32 at least twice, via articles and weblinks sent by two of my closest friends. The image of Jacob's wrenched hip kept coming back to me, and for sure I knew that my reliance on physical capabilities and strength was being stripped away and I had to come close to God - face-to-face, spirit-to-spirit - empty and in recognition that my strength comes from the Lord, not from perishable, temporal things.
Went to HTB (holy trinity brompton) today and it was amazing...... the speaker (Mike Pilavachi, founder of Soul Survivor) was absolutely hilarious with his irreverent humour and candid honesty. But more than that, what he spoke was absolutely spot on with the various issues and doubts I'd been having over the past week. 'twas particularly about discerning God's voice and confusion regarding a lotta things. I don't know how more spot on it can get.
What I'm incredibly, incredibly thankful and moved about is the fact that someone would actually rush down to my place, lay a hand, say a prayer, listen to tearful confessions, bring me to the clinic, and then to A&E when the clinic referred me there, and then make sure I was alright at home before bringing my dad to heathrow - which took a grand total of 10 hours. Who am I, who am I to deserve such kindness, I ask?? :( Was in serious denial and guilt about such kind, kind grace extended so generously and lovingly to me; but through the actions of this one person I've come to recognise even more the generosity and abundance of God's love, grace, and self-sacrifice. And the experience of being utterly helpless and dependent on that love was a good reminder of Man's (and my) ultimate frailty. :) To be honest, I'm also (surprisingly) feeling thankful that it's just my phone, wallet and back that've gotten into trouble... worse, worse things can happen!!
thanking God for opening my eyes to stuff. :) I've been so rubbish and selfish at a lot of things... but I'm just so thankful He loves me regardless of my performance. glorious...
"Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough "
let that be enough - Switchfoot
y'know, it just struck me this week, that instead of whining and being sad that my knee's still not recovered well enough to jog, swim, dance, and rid myself of accumulating flabs, I ought to be recognising this season for what it's worth and start making the most of it. took me months to realise this, but I'm glad I did! :) right, hence - lots of stretching and more pilates. Must.. grow.. to.. love.. pain... -gets inflexible self into knots-
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vegetables. I just can't believe how much veg I'm eating here in London, and how vast the difference is between the diets of my housemates now and just a year ago. I'm actually craving veg and being conscious that I don't eat so much meat now! healthy change I s'pose. strange, but good!
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went to see Patrick Stewart in Macbeth a week ago. 'twas adapted for a Stalinist era, which worked for the motifs of tyranny and cold-blooded murder, but which sounded jarringly incongruous with "Macduff!", "Macbeth!" and "King of Scotland!" The witches were fantastically reconsidered, reworked, and acted; as convent nurses with rather mental voices, head-jerking movements and bodies and blood in their hands, I thought the eeriness was well-conveyed. Lady Macbeth (Kate Fleetwood) was brilliant, manically brilliant, and she outshone Stewart whom I thought was rather disappointing. He was less at ease, less nuanced, and less commanding of stage and character dynamics as I thought he should be. Then again it was a Monday night that I went, so I give him the benefit of the doubt and suppose that he would have performed better on other performance nights...
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last weekend was another one of those dark, dark times of wrestling (in the woods, as ailin calls it) with God and lies from the past. Struggled with the notion of love and a knee-jerk denial of its reality, to put it in abstract terms. Lots of memories, tears, and singing. But God is faithful, as always. And He dragged me out of that necessary bout of wrestling into a deeper, fuller experience of confidence and healing.
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having heng chin stay over has been wonderful. having a companion to whine to is always a good thing, what more if it's a sister as sweet and lovely and close to my heart as hc? :) we're discovering more of each other's sleeping habits. I laugh in my sleep, apparently. Also I speak in some unintelligible language every other night, after which I awake sometimes to hear hc respond with a drowsy "...huh?" in my even-drowsier state of stupor. the joys of living together.
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am excited that I'm going up to York for the weekend; how random scenes have been flashing across my head over the past 2 days! The little road to Kathleen's, the bushes and flowers, cute little town of York with Ye Old Starre Inn and Evileye and Milkshack... Dad's also coming next Mon, w00t!
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right. back to foucault.
禱告 - 讚美之泉
禱告，因為我渺小；
禱告，因為我知道我需要,
明暸，你心意對我重要。
禱告，已假裝不了；
禱告，因為你的愛我需要；
你關懷，我走過的你都明白。
有些事我只想要對你說，
因你比任何人都愛我；
痛苦從眼中流下，
我知道你為我擦。
在早晨我也要來對你說，
主耶穌今天我為你活；
所需要的力量你天天賜給我，
你恩典夠我用。
You keep me flying
It's hard to surrender one's self... just so hard. Just when I think that it makes so much sense, that it looks and feels just right, I'm pulled back from that deep, dangerous fantasy by strong hands that promised not to let me go. So I'm thankful for that pull... but it hurts. It's so, heart-wrenchingly painful. It's a reminder that I don't have reality and the future within my two bare hands and that I've got to keep trusting. But what has sparked it off? Am I thinking too much? Are these my fears I'm grasping? Are these tears of paranoia? Of guilt, of unnecessary steps taken, a fear of commitment?
You keep me smiling
Or is it a real sense of caution? I don't know, I feel lost though I know clear well what the next step ought to be. The wilful mind gravitates so easily towards self-pity and needy-ness, and it's a constant battle of the mind and spirit to keep the chin up, get the prayerful thoughts going, and position my heart to hear God speak. On one hand I do see God speaking so clearly, but on the other I feel so deaf. It's desire that's clouding things up isn't it? Once surrendered, all things become clear... but Lord, how? Help me...
You keep me safe in a crazy world.