Es gibt soviel Schmerz, die ich nicht ihn in Wörter setzen kann, mehr Risse an einem Tag, als ich für eine lange Zeit gesehen habe; dieses ist eins von physikalisch, emotional, relationally und Angelegenheiten niedrigste Punkte meines Lebens -
Psalm 46:1-6
Gott ist uns Zuflucht und Stärke, als Beistand in Nöten reichlich zu finden.
Darum fürchten wir uns nicht, wenn auch die Erde erbebte und die Berge mitten ins Meer wankten.
Mögen seine Wasser tosen und schäumen, die Berge erbeben durch sein Aufbäumen!
Des Stromes Bäche erfreuen die Stadt Gottes, das Heiligtum der Wohnungen des Höchsten.
Gott ist in ihrer Mitte, sie wird nicht wanken; Gott wird ihr helfen früh am Morgen.
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Jon's just proposed and my dear Lucy's getting married in September!! wheee!!
I HATE being misunderstood
Knee's starting to swell and hurt again so I've started to take Ibuprofen, but sadly it has no palpable effect whatsoever. :(
Anyways, people's complaints about NHS are rather baseless sometimes. Admittedly it isn't quite the best around, having led to serious situations like deaths... And having gotten used to quality medical care (e.g. Singapore's), one can get rather spoilt and medically-pampered, eh? But I wonder if it's just all again a question of pride that demands some kind of elixir, potion, chemical, drug - effective, quick, potent, serious - or some tangible means of intervention, as opposed to really simple and seemingly ludicrous remedies. Such as the age-old, time-tested, slow, but effective prescription of rest, lots of water, and lots of sleep (in my case, lots of ice, rest, and yes, maybe some Ibuprofen). Because at the end of the day these things are the things that really matter for good health and well-being, and are most natural at that. It's like blaming fresher's flu or lamenting "oh, there's been a bug going round" for the bout of illness one has (the bug deserves some credit of course) when ultimately lack of sleep, clubbing nights, alcohol, emotional/mental stress, poor diet and lack of exercise may have been the root.
Well, I guess I feel that to the bone 'cuz I don't take good care of myself quite as well as I should... -_-
O twisted knee, O twisted knee, I wish you'd really spare meeee
excerpt from Dawny's blog:
A study into the minor's accessibility of pornography in Cambodia: (Some research findings in the report)
51% of all minors surveyed indicated they have viewed pornography. (sample size of 677)
A clear gender influence was seen, with 61.7% of boys vs. 38.5% of girls indicating they have viewed some type of pornographic material.
Of the more than 230 vendors surveyed, 69.5% in Phnom Penh had pornography available, in 49% of locations pornography was openly on display.
One-third of Phnom Penh locations selling pornography were near a school.
"The boys from one interview group said that they enjoyed watching violence, and that most men do. When asked how it makes them feel, one boy replied, “We want to do what we see.” They are quick to say that they do not hurt women, but will use strong language and raise their voices to prostitutes after watching these films. They also said that they are sure that watching violent pornography made men violent towards women encouraged rape.
When asked about whether the boys think it is right to treat women the way they see in films, they all said that they believed women enjoy being hit during sex and it heightens the women’s sexual pleasure.” They did not respond when asked if they
think this is merely what the films want them to believe."
"The boys explained that they go to watch these films at the coffee shops every evening, as they have nothing else to do, and if they can afford it they will visit a prostitute afterwards. They added that it is not possible to watch these films without having sex or masturbating afterwards, and that it isn’t uncommon for men who cannot afford a prostitute to pick up a girl off the street and rape her"
tsk.
Lovelylovelylovely Cui and Weez accompanied me to A&E yesterday, and the v.nice doctor told me I've injured and might have torn my ligament. The swelling wasn't very terrible so it's not very serious; he just told me to put ice and take Ibuprofen + lots of rest. Oh wells! Let's talk about something more exciting -
It's amazing how much we've learnt in just 6 days, and I'd never expected to tackle even a bit of the red slope (It's green > blue > red > black, ascending in difficulty). Going down the blue slope from Flaine's summit was particularly scary. The fog was so heavy that we couldn't even see the path ahead of us, or how steep the slope was. All we could do was feel the ground under our skis and the velocity/direction of our descent, then shift our weights around based on that... couldn't even see the instructor in front of us! Ah, but it was all really fun. challenging! Parallel breaks, little steep cliffs and bumpy jumps through bits of the woods; we sifted through powder slopes, got our skis stuck in snow at least knee-high, fell off drag-lifts and slid down snow banks perilously, skiied off-pist and crashed into snow banks as well as err, skiied into rocks in such an amusing way... losing your skis on a steep slope was terribly straining on the mind and emotions! So many times when I just had to rebuke myself into calmness just to get myself out of the predicament by hook or by crook, even when I was panicking quite badly. Throughout the 6 days I felt so stretched mentally+emotionally... cheers to GREAT company + QT in hot showers + FABULOUS food.
Made many friends/acquaintances in that time... met Andy my year 1 housemate, which was nice 'cuz we were pretty close then and haven't been catching up much since. And got to know really lovely people like Faye and Sam in my ski class, and I guess through Faye and Andy got to know Tamara, Jamie, Gemma, Chris, the American girls, etc. Also met 4 other Asians in the group - 3 of them aren't students but are related somehow to a guy who used to study in York and went on the ski trip years ago; the other girl Sabrina is a postgrad at uni. And, well, the trip was really quite enjoyable also because of the group with whom I went. Weez, Rokey, Huimin, Nagisa and Shiao En all made such hilarious company, I don't recall laughing so hard for a long time... somehow the dynamics just worked, everyone felt pretty comfortable and easy with one another, and after hitting the slopes for a while, who wouldn't relish such delightful company?
The food was ABSOLUTELY fantastic. Mussels, fried potatoes and sausages, smoked mackerel and lots of salmon, prawns, loads of cheese and baguettes, beef steak and chips, Flan pudding and ice cream and yoghurt, various types of mutton stews and chicken drumlets, etc etc. Yumms. :)
Yeah like I said it wasn't an easy trip, emotionally - learnt so much about myself on this holiday and how incredibly prideful and spoilt I still was. And it took a twisted knee for me to learn humility, so in a sense I was ultimately thankful and at peace about it even though I was burning with tearing anger at myself and God on Thursday when I injured it. Spent a good whole day on Friday to rest it and just to sleep and spend quiet time with God, so that was good... though on Saturday I was slightly too keen and went on the slopes again, where I twisted the knee a 2nd time just when it was getting a lot better. Having said that, I'm quite happy to have gone on the green slope that Saturday morning, perhaps it eased my pride a little...... but I honestly felt all calm that morning when I decided to try the slopes again. Perhaps I should've been contented with the green slope, but I was greedy and wanted to do the blue; thank God for twisting the knee again before I had the chance to ski down and endanger myself even more. Sure I was sorely disappointed, but what can I blame but my own foolhardiness and pride?
(Thanks, you guys on the trip, for understanding, for the hugs, for your love and encouragement :))
back!
hobbling with a twisted knee; grocery orders; financial woes; unijobs(?); MOE and KCL applications; Paradise Lost
loads of things to do, hopefully I'll get to blog about skiing sometime. I *heart* the company, the food, the snow, everything. It wasn't an easy trip but I've learnt just so much more about myself. Thanks, God!
off skiing in France lo~
Be back on 25th March :)
there's always something in films that leaves me with a sad, tearing heart at the end of it all. And it doesn't help that i really like mind-bendy twisty sad fantastic-realistic unbearably poignant films. The feeling just lingers for a long time after the film ends, this feeling of having participated so fully in a world that terminates in just a brief 2 hours, the feeling of loss and a spirit that wants to cry out; not just cry, but cry out, wail, mourn, yell, after which it will come to an uncanny sense of stillness and be left behind, somewhat.
and times like these itch for something familiar, intimate, close, warm, foetal, arms, contact, cheek to cheek, a peck on the forehead, home, just home. you can wander about in the fields far away for all you like when, at the end of the day, you realise that there's nothing truly like home...
miss it, miss it all, miss you, miss you all
postscript: Oxford rejected me - was slightly disheartened 'cuz it was a deflation of self-pride, but quickly I realised I didn't intend to go there anyway, and that my worth resides in God's riches, not my performance. Thanks to Lin for reminding me today that my Father is very, very rich.
Food, food and more food - what a blessing! This week has seen incredible food fun, and I honestly do feel stuffed. . . . .
Monday was the last night of Risky Living. Went to Alyson's house as usual, and Paul made us all the complete set of pork roast - home-made pork, yorkshire pudding, potatoes, vegetables. Pippa made us rice pudding. mmm. Ah, sad that I won't be seeing a few of them at all again, unless I start going to St Mike's evening service again - which I may be considering 'cuz I really quite like it...
Yes, then Tuesday, Jason, Ailin and I went to Leeds for walkin and shoppin. We had lovely dim sum for lunch and were so saturated with oil and meat by the end of the meal and immensely grateful for the free flow of Chinese tea that seemed to 'wash' it all away, including the calories we put on (fattt hope). Still an enjoyable experience nevertheless, because the last time I had dim sum was in London last term, and I missssssed proper Chinese food so much.
And then we went to the market - whee!! love! markets! whee! - and bought, among other things, a pomfret and 2kg of crabs. More shopping at Primark and the Chinese supermarket, where we bought kangkong and other stuff too. And, behold, the night that followed was one of adventure and romance, of harrowing perils and strange affinity with the strangers of one's soul. Behold, le crabe-massacre -
Yup. And the dishes that finally landed on table were marvellous! And so chio! Things I never thought I'd eat - sambal belachan kangkong, chilli crab and fried man tou, steamed pomfret. Mmmmmmmmmmm. :D
Today Lucy came over at about 9 and we prepared breakfast together - so it was sausages, omelette with mushrooms, ham and cheese, avocado, toast with kaya, yoghurt, and Chai Bora from Tanzania. Lunch and dinner weren't special, but for supper Jason made us (Ailin, Lin and I) pancakes and we all feasted on a simple, delicious fare of pancakes with various toppings like chocolate, syrup, lemon, sugar and peanut butter.
whahahaha. 吃是福！不胖起来才怪！
It was Mike's birthday at Wetherspoon's last night. Had a pretty chilled out day from reading a bit, then going over to Jia Min's for hairdressing and kebab dinner. Then I had a nice slow walk - it's such lovely warm weather now - to Wether's and had such a lovely time catching up with people. Haven't been going to CU all that much this term, and I'm just glad for this extra time to chill out and catch up with people I haven't been seeing much this term...
Mike and I have been pretty good friends since first year when we co-led a group together. We'd meet every now and then to discuss stuff, to pray, and to chat about all kinds of things - our relationship with God, with people, our family backgrounds and our struggles... He's just one of the loveliest people I've met in my life because of his friendliness and openness, his heart for people, and his sensitivity. We became CRep and CEC in our second year, leading the college CU together with our team... ah, he's just one brother I'm gonna miss lots when I leave York this year! Another incentive to get on facebook... -grin-
Beth and I have officially married as of last night. Haha.
Anyways, it was a great day today; message in church was a clear reminder to get my priorities right. Have been feeling ups and downs for the past two weeks but that's also because I've become rather self-focused and self-centred a lot of the time, worrying about things in the future. Just yesterday I was reminded to find God and beauty in the present rather than be preoccupied with the future, and today in church I realised once again that power really comes upon surrendering - ironically. The more I keep things within my grasp the more powerless I feel, and am, and today as I was sitting in Elim four words just shot across my head:
"Who's your No. 1?"
Ah, good day. Anyways, had fabulous fabulous lunch at Lindley J with Shan, Kevin, Ailin, Jason, Lin, Wee Zi and Cui, after which we went on a random conversation about alleles and genes and animals. It was such such lovely fun. :) Slacked the afternoon away - well, actually, took the time to 'catch up' online, to MSN and reply emails, after which I met Ailin at the gym and had a good workout, though I possibly put on everything I lost by having 2 portions of food for dinner. Why is it that I crave the unhealthiest thing after a workout ah? I was walking back and in my mind there was a nice shiny bottle of orange juice (not unhealthy) and... a pack of Jack and Jill potato chips, red in colour, chilli-flavoured (very unhealthy).
Ohwell! Good times :)
Who's your no. 1?
koi,
as the daisy, as the jewel -
It hasn't changed very much since then,
when the eyes first set their sights on you.
Words of a foggy past
Return to whisper by
thirsty ears
that crave just abit of nothing
And all of everything.
They crave
that forbidden seedchest
Unripe as of yet, coated with a red veneer -
Alluring, attractive, wormful;
Soft to crunch and sweet to bitter eyes.
I grasp, and I grip,
and it slips through my hands
because it was never meant to be caught
But given, never meant to be clenched
But free, and beautiful,
in the underwater ebb and flow.
It swims, and I wait,
Under the marquee of a promise
with shade and shelter at His command
No fear, no - for there is no fear in love.
It swims, and I wait.
Wait.
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
images.
a koi with its slender grace
it writhes, glides
perpetual struggle amidst the
underwater ebb and flow
a flower so dainty
bright yellow, orange maybe
pretty. but small, and so hard to
hold in hand;
grasp.
jewel. no, jewels...
every sparkling face reflects such...
intensity.
as do your eyes
when I look into them
sunshine?
rays, rays that
try to break through the overcast sky that hangs above
the light that
peers to seek lands of far yonder
confusion.
confusion an image.
like dark ink an emulsion in water.
like how this is amazingly incoherent.
like how I'm so lost
about you.
So lost
About you.
While I was cycling at the gym this afternoon, MTV was playing the top 20 movie songs of all time, which was pretty entertaining looking back at the old days with MTVs like Moulin Rouge's Lady Marmalade and Madonna's Don't Cry For Me Argentina. And while I decided to getting engrossed in Culture and Anarchy the old familiar prelude of Unchained Melody started playing, and my eyes jolted up to the screen - it so happened that the gymmers around me started turning their eyes to the stage MTV of the Righteous Brothers too. Then the Indian girl a few bike stations down started mouthing the words, and through the mirror's reflection I saw the Asian girl on the treadmill singing to it too.
"Great song, isn't it?" said the Indian girl.
"Yeah. Childhood." I replied.
Strange that such a sweet soppy song of old has such an effect - a bonding effect if you may call it. For me, it did bring a smile to my face as I thought of the old cheesy songs on the karaoke set my dad bought home at East Coast Ville, when I was about 5-6. And for most of my spare time I'd plug in the microphones and croon to songs whose lyrics I never paid attention to, songs like Eternal Flame, Great Pretender and Woman in Love. I got hooked onto singing then, and never turned back since.
Pretty normal day, productive, and tho I'm quite tired and stressed from all the reading I feel an increasing sense of thankfulness for every small thing. Met up with Eleena later in the afternoon and we had a great chat; there was mutual understanding, a deep connection, an opening of hearts. (I heart you, dear!) And I walked home the village way from Alcuin, smiling at the sun, the beautiful blue sky, the lovely Chinese dad and his two kids walking along the road, the beautiful daffodils and the to-be daffodils; smiling in my heart - for all the faithfulness that God has shown.
I heart you, God!
No time for MSN again!
But it's all been good. Went for jazz dance today and it was so so fun! Tho to be honest I still look strange and horribly un-graceful! After dinner Miranda and I tried to remember the routines from previous classes and we had such a laugh; we even tried to take individual shots in sequence to remember the routines better in future.
After class Ailin, Miranda and I had a fantastic dinner of Emperor Chicken, Spamelette and Sambal belachan spinach, with Chicken rice (just the rice) to boot! Gosh, it was incredibly yummy and filling. Oh wells. At least I did a lot of stretching in dance today...
Can't wait for essay plan to be handed in on Friday, though next week I've got to start thinking of Anglo-Saxon really. Ah! Actually my mind just keeps drifting to post-Summertermweek5!!! Then mommy and Wei will be coming down, and ah! Cruise on the Nile! Paris! Barcelona!! whee!!!!
Ok. Back to readings.
Another week's gone by; it's been so fast, so fast, and this week especially seems to have gone by in a click. It's 11:06; feel like I just got off John's car from RL on Mondays. But no, it's 7 days later on a Sunday, and the next Monday's just an hour away...
Guess I've been trying to live out the remaining days of uni to my best... my common mantra - work hard play hard! Carefully and prayerfully deciding what to go for and what to miss, and I guess God's given me a slightly more organised heart this term. Getting more productive with seminar work and MA applications... helps that I quite enjoy this term's module, and am enjoying reading/researching a lot more than usual. Handed in applications for York, UCL and Oxford; King's College left, and somehow I still feel inclined towards that. But I can't ever be 100% sure...
Highlights of the past week: Had chocolate fondue at Kirsten's on Thursday night, glorious glorious chocolate! Strawberries and dark chocolate my favourite combination so far. Saw many people I haven't been catching up very much with, people like Sarah Feathers and Caroline Abblitt, and so it was a nice time of chatting. Eleena and I finally met and talked and set aside a proper date and time to meet up too... it felt so incredibly nice to talk to her again, quite like the times in 1st year when we met up to pray and chat regularly - times I've missed so dearly. And it was amazing to see Lucy Haslam again after so long, and it's probably the last time I'll be seeing her, 'cuz she's off in Germany somewhere for her 2nd placement. [Ahh, the reality's dawning - last glimpses of faces, last hugs, last human contact...] Friday was a day full of random stuff like prayer meeting, muggin in the library, going for a talk by a professional biographer called Lisa Chaney (who wrote JM Barrie's latest biography), spending time with an acquaintance from Jazz dance, having care group dinner, then going for YCCF - where I faced the same weekly challenge to phrase my thoughts in Chinese by constantly thinking in Chinese and not instinctively in English. It's good exercise for the brain I tell you, my brain gets twisted around quite a bit after each bible study. Saturday - had a fabulous drum workshop in the morning. Haha! Amazing. I really wanna learn some percussion! But anyway, it was just a chilled-out fun time of percussive games, and there was a time of spontaneous worship when we each picked a percussion instrument and played on it till we felt like swopping, but trying to get our thoughts focused on God. Which I admit was really hard, because I kept thinking, "argh! I'm out of beat again!" Ah, but it was just such a refreshing time of venturing into unexplored territories, possible gifts and capabilities... or failures! -grin- After drum workshop was a whole afternoon at Kathleen's 'cuz people from Leeds were visiting. A really good talk from Wee Leon. Practical stuff. Really comforting and encouraging... and generally, a faith-booster, that I've just got to be more confident of what I've been doing so far and care less about what people think... In the night we celebrated Kenneth's birthday by having lots of food, as usual, and I'm just continuously amazed by how well these fabulous Hong Kongers can cook. Had my fill, then went off to meet Nora to do her psychology experiment. First time having my own 12 hours of activity measured by an Actiband on my right wrist, pretty cool eh! The drum-hitting must have given it pretty wacky readings! Today - Sunday - was so refreshing. 'twas 'international' day or somewhat in church where they wanted to celebrate the fact that we could share in the cultures of so many nationalities. Had a rap from Nigeria, Shirley did a Chinese-style peacock dance, Bonnie gave her testimony about small groups at uni in China, a guy from Barbados told us something about his country, and yes, us 4 Singaporeans did our cultural performance thingy. It was all great fun. :) Praise God for diversity! And Graham's word, the word, it was so... apt. Timely. God is faithful. And just now I had dinner and tang yuan with Ailin and Shiao En, and I continued chatting with Shiao En till 10.45pm. We coulda gone on! But it was getting late and she had to walk home. It's just amazing to see how much we can relate to each other and we just talked about so many things. Ah, just a couple of weeks ago I was just praying that I really missed in-depth conversations with someone who can understand me inside-out, was even craving for that deep human connection again. And I had that privilege tonight! Thankful. :) (Thanks my dear.)
Ah, yes, so we're moving into Week 9. Getting the clothes needed for my ski trip and it's great to see how God's providing; I didn't have to prowl around for the stuff, they seemed to be all within reach! Ruby has a uber thick and very fitting ski jacket, Anna's lending me her gloves and hat/beanie, and in a text reply Jen told me she just happened to be going home for the weekend so she's got pairs of ski trousers that she can bring back up for me. Thankful, so thankful!
And today's sermon was about God's promises. That He'll shake the heavens and earth to fulfil the promises He's made to those who love Him. And I have never seen that failed, even when it was just so hard to believe it at times.........
Father, I'll stop looking for the things that I don't have, but find thankfulness instead for the things I already do have. Thank You Daddy.