heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeeee hahahaha God is so real and so awesome
It's a heavy day; started out at church really amazingly as I felt 'in frequency with the angels' worship' (to quote John Barton) and it's been so long since I sobbed at a p&w session. Didn't really know what was wrong, just felt so touched, so touched by a Father who loves me...
... was incredibly happy and chirpy, but there was a weird bubble of tears inside of me that needed pouring out. Msged Tim and he sent me a link to a beautiful video which broke abit of that bubble; then Rokey msged me separately and it broke more of that bubble. At the end of it all I felt incredibly weak, vulnerable, and tired. So tired.
And I've been feeling so fatigued for a long time without knowing now. It's not just the physical weakness, it's the thought and act of carrying everything on my own shoulders as if my actions were all that mattered; that I had to do this, and this, and that, no that, and this as well, and everything became a mire of endless paranoia and restless anxiety. Talked to mom after that and my words became such a reflection of my state of mind - a roundabout blabbering of directionless thoughts. And my mom - oh, my mom - is the most wonderful and gorgeous woman I've ever met in the whole wide world; such an angel from God who makes it all so, so clear to me. And it's not even things that I haven't heard before; they're all echoes of things that God has been patiently pointing out but I just haven't been opening my ears to......
And I just have to let things go. Let people go. I'm not going to try anymore, not with my own effort. It's not a matter of giving up; I'm just not going to spend myself on account of the ambition and things that I want to do rather than what He wants. And sometimes it'll mean just leaving things as they are, not moving until they move first; sometimes it'll mean... that things won't look too pretty on the surface. But God's in charge. And God knows better.
And that's where I'm liberated
"你要冷静。冷静下来。来自神的 confirmations 是没有挣扎，没有怀疑的。是带着平安的。”
冷静。
没有挣扎。
平安。
THIS is true love.
And God did all this and more for each of us.
(Thanks, Tim)
“主，今天我要宣告单靠你的话语是足够的。我不需要任何正面或负面的因素来做决定。我也不需要智力的逻辑或扎实的证据让我相信你的应许。我把所有的都寄托在你的话语上。我选择凭着信心行走而不是靠着眼见。虽然你的应许显得遥遥无期，没有完整的地图，但我仍然会对你的呼召作出回应，凭着信心出发。你是我所需要的！有你在我的身旁引导，我无需知道所有一切，我不需要其他。”
Robert Ailwood, a 3rd-year student who stayed down the row of houses from me in Lindley, passed away recently. I don't know him personally but I've got friends who do; they say no one really knows what happened because the last someone saw him was in a pub in York, and the very next they found his body floating in the river. Life... incredibly frail, fragile, isn't it?
It's so easy to coop yourself in your room with, heh, all the world in your laptop, all the things you need to know about life and communication and relationships framed within the mechanics of a running machine. Even Quiet Times with the comfort of the bed and the snuggly duvet got incredibly stifling; I felt so crowded in with stress about MA's and choices and December plans and lots of other minute details I didn't feel God's peace or hear God at all. In my head I kept telling myself, Just let it go, just pray about it, surrender it, let it go, be still, be still before God, release, but it got nowhere, save occasional feelings of lightness. Picked up a book which was a teatime devotional written precisely for quiet breaks in between the mania of hectic schedules in modern-day living - and it echoed so much of what I 'read' the past couple of days but haven't 'known' (so easy to read things and think you know them isn't it). Slow down, Slowwwwwwwwww down.
"What do you mean slow down? I need to get faster, everyone's catching up and chasing past me!"
[Silence]
And that's why God keeps quiet sometimes - I'm not even listening. But He's so sweet. After I put down that book I felt a gentle prod, You feel crummy? Come, come on out. I'll take you for a walk. And so I did. And oh my, it was beautiful. Awesome... the sky outside today was a gorgeous blue, the sun such a beautiful spotlight to the lines and shades of Nature's artistry; I walked, sang, looked at the fowl on the lake and flowers by the side - and thought of the sparrows and the lilies I've read so often about. Why worry, when your Dad's got it all in His hand? Sat down on a bench by the lake, and wow, the birds in the sky were doing some kind of a dance routine. It was sooo beautiful.
Sometimes He doesn't need us to go through the routines, of reciting, of confessing, of crying, and praying till our mouths are dry, our souls feel empty and our hearts remain hard - sometimes He really wants us to take us on a walk with Him; to release all the negatitivies and self-preoccupations, a kind of self-emptying, before we come to our calmer senses and are ready to listen to whatever He's got to say instead of going "But but but there's this and there's that and oh my effing goodness" or "God, I feel blah. and I don't want to blah. But I blah". Just a walk. Just a walk by the still waters and green pastures by the Shepherd who shows compassion to the brokenhearted and weak. Guess it's been a good lesson about why I find God so silent sometimes, why He doesn't seem to be answering.
Well, basically, sometimes I've just got it all wrong. :)
Jesus, keep me from all wrong;
I'll be satisfied as long
As I walk, let me walk close to Thee.
Just a closer walk with Thee,
Grant it, Jesus, is my plea,
Daily walking close to Thee,
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.
Through this world of toil and snares,
If I falter, Lord, who cares?
Who with me my burden shares?
None but Thee, dear Lord, none but Thee.
Just a closer walk with Thee,
Grant it, Jesus, is my plea,
Daily walking close to Thee,
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.
When my feeble life is o'er,
Time for me will be no more;
Guide me gently, safely o'er
To Thy kingdom shore, to Thy shore.
Just a closer walk with Thee,
Grant it, Jesus, is my plea,
Daily walking close to Thee,
Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.
http://www.uycu.org.uk/node/195
[on campus]
http://www.york-epc.org.uk/?action=read_message&id=42
[at Elim, off Heslington Rd]
Sometimes you read one sentence and it hits you because there's just so much in it encapsulated in all its simplicity. With all the talk about prayer these few days, this line I read this morning puts it all in perspective; not just prayer, everything -
If you want God to lead you,
be willing to follow.
Sometimes the seemingly hardest thing to do rests in such beautiful simplicity;
letting go, letting go of
pride, my shopping list of self-centerd prayer requests, my life-focus, my decisions' directions, my voice -
I like singing again. 'cuz I've fallen deeper in love with Jesus yesterday. :)
just heard that a friend of mine was recently exorcised from 10 demons, and Beth this morning was talking about how real it is too; it's a scary world out there we don't 'see' man, a scary war...
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name."
Psalm 91: 13-14
Deep Philosophical Musing of the Day:
As I was enjoying my very scrumptious lunch of Sainsbury's raspberry-and-yoghurt-crisp and Goat's-Milk, I glanced down at the countless yoghurt bits and suddenly thought,
hey, isn't that what I used to feed my rabbit?
SO anyway. YAY! Essay was handed in on Monday and woohoo! It was. Manic! I still don't understand why I had to do kind of an all-nighter - slept at 6.30am on that day and woke up at 11.30am to continue working for a 3pm deadling - 'cuz I prepared this essay from a month ago! The fault's part ambition, part complacency, and part.... poor time management (hears mom sniggering). I set myself really enough time for this paper, but I had to do 3 full weeks of reading and even after coming here I kept reading because I was ambitiously greedy for more substance in my essay. A 5000 word essay can't possibly have it all of course. But I did have a crazy 3.5 page bibliography.
But it's done lo! Finish liao lo! WHEYYyyy!!! -does the cha cha-
Had my first seminar the very next day about Renaissance imaginary worlds, and I didn't finish the readings of course. Did manage to speak about Star Wars and Spongebob Square Pants (and the Little Prince too ok.) in the seminar tho, hopfully Dr Palmer hasn't quite figured that I'm a pretty irrelevant person. Speaking about absurdity, I always associated "British humour" with "British people", but I realised the other day that not all English people have that; it's a very predominantly English (Literature) thing. Because I cracked an absurdist joke and the other English (Brit) girls in the group just stared (well, most of them were freshers anyway). In any case, these jokes work with people like Lauren and Beth and very naturally, with Ailin and Cui. Can a psychologist do an analysis of why? But of course, in every rule there are tonnes of exceptions, and you know you may be one of them -wink-
ENOUGH RAMBLING -slaps-
Yay yay yay! Welll. It hasn't been the most fantastic two weeks because it was seriously a frantic struggle to land afresh in the pretty town of York and see myself faced with essay panics, freshers' week responsibilities, socials, weather changes and health instabilities - the main outward struggle was really to coordinate between cooping myself in my room and getting my essay done, and going out and be happy and hyper and social and YEAHHHH HALIFAX YEAHHHHHH. Switching modes - not easy. In fact I felt such a loser last Weds in the first freshers' social 'cuz I felt so conversationally and socially inept - my mind was a whirl of words and I felt spiritually+emotionally down (having not spent much time with God), was struggling with confidence issues, didn't know how to converse and "Lead", so to speak. Later on God sent two angels to comfort me - Eleena who showed such dear sisterly love and concern, and Rokey saying things that hit on the nail, shaking me out of my self-inducing delirium. The next day I awoke feeling absurdly happy and peaceful in my heart, it was definitely God putting the butterflies in my heart again. Felt more confident (looked forward not back) and was more confident about leading Halifax CU. After seminar on Tues the team met together to plan out a term of activities, and it was so exciting and assuring to see everyone well enthusiastic and claming ownership over this - it's like. !!!! And it was such a productive meeting, with everyone contributing freely. Ah. Awesome. Each of us in the team is so different from the other, but miraculously the team just works so well. No squabbles no politics nothing! GOD r0x0rs.
And Tues was another good day 'cuz my mom texted me to say she's back from the doc's and he says she's fine! There's nothing! WHEYYY!! Hallehallehallujah.
Yesterday was awesome 'cuz Halifax CU met together for proper fellowship time - Kirsten and Michelle introduced this fantastic icebreaker which succesfully allowed people to know one another's names and socialise abit, Jonny did some songs, Ed spoke amazingly on everyone in Christ being a new creation - new new new!! - and Mike gave a great testimony about fellowship and mutual support. Aw, it's just... so heart-warming to see how Halifax CU has developed over the 2ish years I've been here, and to see that the next batches are so fervent about it as well! There were loads of freshers...... Yeah, anyway, after that we all went to the Caelidh organised by International CU and it was such awesome fun. Haven't been exercising since I came back so that was a good workout, haha, with all the spin-arounds and jumping and hopping. Met so many familiar faces there too.
Today, well, it didn't start out quite too good. Phone died on me yesterday and I lost all my numbers; had some hope that it'd resurrect this morning... which didn't happen so I was abit confused spiritually (only later I found out it was silly pride); then I helped flyer for Hot Pots abit, after which I went to the library to photocopy stuff and borrow books... but oh no, my uni card wasn't in my wallet - I biked back ('cuz I intended to sign up for gym membership and run for a while) - searched high and low in my room - no it wasn't anywhere - arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - in a self-absorbedly angry fit I packed my phone, went to the post office and sent it off to the repairs then went to the Info Centre to get my uni card done - but the guy said it was non-refundable in case I find my card back within the next few days so I said I'd check again - biked back - tried to lock my bike in the shed but it couldn'ttttttt workkkkkkk and I was fiddling with it for a good 20 minutes feeling all the frustration of the day - someone suggested I bring it to the porters to oil it abit, which I did - then I met Lin and suddenly my lock worked 'cuz I'd figured it out (such a woman.) - we went to collect Ailin and headed off to Lin's room and the three of us sat down. And I thought I felt a moment of tired silence. Guess we each have been having a couple of difficult days/weeks, even if it's the slightest hiccups.
But what followed was amazing, and far better than any hiccup we've been having over all this time, because when we - Turn(ed our eyes upon Jesus, look(ed) full in His wonderful face, then the things on earth will go strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace. Such repeated lines, but so true, and real, in a way that runs so deep............. We had a marvellous God-time together, sharing and confessing our weaknesses, after which we lifted everything up in prayer and left the place hippy happy hoppy, and very importantly, freed from what we know we ought to leave behind. And have left behind.
As a side note, I've been receiving emails of nostalgia recently... was so surprised to see Duana's email last week, and glad to hear she's in Cambridge settling in. Ah! memories of our chats in sec school! :) And Edwin (Pri sch classmate and JC schoolmate) emailed me last week as well, sending me this scanned image of his mental sums book, 1994:
Specially hand-marked. ;)
Yup. So it's Thursday of Week 2, and I'd say, hey, bring on the new term, 'cuz I'm well swung into things already. Wondering if I should go for ultimate frisbee on Weds, and maybe next term I'll take a peek at what Capoeira Soc is like. -grin- Praying and planning about Dec too; might go somewhere for community development mission, but it's not easy finding something within the 3 weeks of york uni hols. Plus I gotta get Masters application done. Oxford? York? err, London? or NIE in Singapore. Guess we'll have to wait and see what the Master brings me, eh?
And gone are the days of [deranged dystopic essay-causing discombobulation] ... at least temporarily.
Hahahaha, absurd and reflexive. Who said Spongebob was just for the kids? You can do a Prac Crit. on this!
"Virginia Woolf is literary Marmite - rich, dark, and repellant to at least 50% of the population."
Stella Papamichael,
bbcfilms.co.uk
New Year Resolutions
I'm sorry if I've been so insensitive.
1. Speak less, listen more
2. Do less, wait more
3. Show less, do more
4. Be confident with words without being caustic
5. Be gentle with words without being circumlocutory
6. Tap up on God-confidence
7. Love
8. Look outside my measly bubble
9. Be a chao mugger
10. Be a chao mugger
10. Be a chao mugger
10. Be a chao mugger
I lack confidence so badly. God You are my refuge.
deaf. dumb. discouraged.
Cost Inflation Woes
price hike in school and accommodation fees; unlimited toilet roll supply becomes 5 rolls a week for 10 people; cleaner does the kitchen only once a week instead of everyday now; no microwaves supplied, plus a microwave deficit considering they took 2 of our microwaves away; price hike in laundry charges; price of Sunday roast increased, no? and what else. hm.
Doesn't matter la. God's still good. :)
静默有时，言语有时
back in york - absolutely exhausted - stuffed nose and red eyes - room full of boxes - essay undone - meeting everyone again wheee!! - love it here - love the pace of life - not as many water fowl as last year though - wonder if they did some culling - will update again soon - after I've unpacked my stuff and recovered
-out-