Heaven's perfect mystery
The King of love has sent for me
Now You're singing over me
The Father's Song
I've just experienced what it means to be loved by God like a daughter... and to have the Father's love like that of a father. Been listening to Matt Redman's The Father's Song, and reading a course book called "Evelina" in which the female protagonist is semi-orphaned and adopted into the loving care of a Reverend. Yesterday I suddenly realised how God is the perfect, ideal father. All my life I've been looking for a perfect 'father' model but I didn't realise that one was so readily available to me, and perfect in every way... My Father's there to talk and be a listening ear whenever His little child wants to whine and cry, whether she's PMSing or... whatever. He's there to provide the 'manly counsel' that I've always needed, satisfied graciously the want of masculine care and affection.
... He's always been by my side as a "daddy God" (Zing's voice came into my head when I thought of these 2 words) holding my hand. He was there when I first learnt how to walk... how to speak... how to ride a bike... holding my hand and dabbing my tear-stained cheeks through my multiple surgeries... been there at every ceremony and award-giving reception... been there for all my concerts and performances... been there for every dinner and family meal... with me when I work or study. And when I fall and stumble, always willing to carry me and set me on his shoulders.
For the first time yesterday, God has helped me to understand His nature as a real father. And this can never be replaced by human love......
Wow.. .wowowow.... I haven't felt so joyful and at peace for a long time.
Mom was right in saying that after every spiritual battle, you'll arise from it even stronger and more confident of GOD.
The past 2 weeks have been bearably painful, only because God has been there. Wave of spiritual attack after spiritual attack, radical perspective changes, submission, healings and surrendering of the past.
I don't think I've ever cried so much in such a span of time. And yesterday appeared to be the culmination of paranoia, inexplicable fear and misanthrope.
But I cried... oh I cried to the Lord. I sobbed and prayed for deliverance.....
And as always, He's faithful. I've never been so cheery for so long :)
And this peace is not as the world gives. It's from God.....
I lift You high and bow down low
How high can You be?
How low can I go?
You must increase, I must decrease, Lord
I'll bow and You will be adored
- Matt Redman
Pleasure admitted in undue degree,
Enslaves the will, nor leaves the judgment free.
'Tis not alone the grape's enticing juice,
Unnerves the mortal pow'rs, and mars their use,
Ambition, av'rice, and the lust of fame,
And woman, lovely woman, does the same.
The heart, surrender'd to the ruling pow'r
Of some ungovern'd passion ev'ry hour,
Finds by degrees, the truths that once bore sway,
And all their deep impression wear away.
(II. 269-77)
William Cowper, 'The Progress of Error'
Cuifen's so sweet. She saw this at Taka and immediately thought of me... and because she remembered me commenting once that I needed a water flask, she bought it and brought it back to York.
Just look at its heavenly shine... haha.
Soaked my noodles for too long so now they're like flourballs.
Bleagh.
It's harder than I expected. I can't get my mind off it. Everything seems to inspire images of recollection. The touch of a flower, glimpse of a word and breath of a song. All. Elements of life and art create more art sustain art and reduce art to a mere sentimental slush.
I'm looking at the mess of chicken, flourballs and discoloured veggies. Maybe this picture is a representation of the inner Ariel.
Photographic glimpses of memories and prognostics continue to chase us as if we live in a Truman reality.
Father, you are King over the flood.
I will be still and know You are God.
Ahhha... God is so so wonderful.
After lots of prayer for my housemate He answered them and protected her from danger! Sounds cryptic but I'm sworn to secrecy and I cannot disclose any further. But God answers prayers and has compassion for His children! :)
And I feel so at peace now...
Thanks ma. I think I'm a lot clearer on what I'm supposed to do. If I have to give it up I will. Thanks for being so patient with me...
Please... God... help me. It hurts and I don't know how to do it...
I can't see how it's going to work...
And I find it so hard to believe
That I have to let go of that wish.
Lord... please. Help me to obey...
It's amazing how quickly God restores you... and how much He drowns you in His love and whispers in your ear how much He loves you, again, and again, again... And how He demonstrates His love by giving you opportunities to love other people.
God is lovely... :)
Like a toddler running after my papa.
Sometimes I don't feel the hand holding mine because I'm too overwhelmed by the sight of it. Its colours! The bright eye-candies... yellow and blue and orange and red. Are these the colours? Look, I'm so smart. I'd love to touch them... or it. feel it, put it in my mouth...
can I, daddy?
But I feel the hand pulling me away.
It's hurting me. Let go? Please? No. Don't let go. But please don't pull too harddd. You don't love me anymore. But you do, right?
Is it fire?
Oh. I won't touch it then. But it's so beautiful to look at. I'll just take a glimpse... And enjoy its art of dance... maybe, maybe, feel it too?
Talked to mom yesterday, and cried in a way that surprised myself. But the pain brought fresh insight into an old issue. I really gotta stop craving for painkillers
that ultimately enslave me again. The pain's gotta be dealt with - and by God alone.
It seems so easy to find emotional security and fulfillment in friends, relationships and other substitutes. But they just leave me over-dependent and hardly *really* emotionally fulfilled. They just leave you with an addiction and withdrawal symptoms - it's a hole that can't fill itself.
I have to surrender again.. surrender the road I can't see. But that's faith, right?
I asked for forgiveness, and experienced His warm embrace once again.
"My child... you don't have to worry. Just walk by me. Trust me."
It's a hole only God can fill.
"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever." 1 Chr 16:34
This line seems so over-cited. But I took a look at what it really meant today... and it was so powerful.
The love and security we get from painkillers will eventually fade away.. where is your antidote?
A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing;
Our helper He, amid the flood of mortal ills prevailing:
For still our ancient foe doth seek to work us woe;
His craft and power are great, and, armed with cruel hate,
On earth is not his equal.
Did we in our own strength confide, our striving would be losing;
Were not the right Man on our side, the Man of God's own choosing:
Dost ask who that may be? Christ Jesus, it is He;
Lord Sabaoth, His Name, from age to age the same,
And He must win the battle.
And though this world, with devils filled, should threaten to undo us,
We will not fear, for God hath willed His truth to triumph through us:
The Prince of Darkness grim, we tremble not for him;
His rage we can endure, for lo, his doom is sure,
One little word shall fell him.
That word above all earthly powers, no thanks to them, abideth;
The Spirit and the gifts are ours through Him Who with us sideth:
Let goods and kindred go, this mortal life also;
The body they may kill: God's truth abideth still,
His kingdom is forever.
Don't know why I always get this feeling when I look up at the dark, dark sky above with its little eyes and smiles.
When I tread upon the mud and listen to silence, knowing it'll be replaced by laughter and shouting.. when I take out my keys and remember a different set of keys I used to hold. And another set of keys I should hold.
When the blank little green man smiles but announces no arrival.
When day after day just passes...
And you know you'll be back here in months.
Why is this so hard to let go?
God... please grant me strength.
I've just got a tad bit of a feeling that my blog's too orange.
Oh, whatever... I like it? :)
But anyway. I've finished with Keats. Or at least tried to finish it by scrambling through the last few of his Odes. Moving onto Caleb Williams now - this book I've never heard of, but seems pretty interesting from the blurb. Making an attempt to actually finish up my readings before term starts, because it'll free up a lot of time for CU / socialising / other books. There're only 2 essays due this term, and they're mainly procedural. So it's not going to be as hectic as the previous terms. Then again, I've got more ideas for CU and class participation's going to be graded this term. Which means I've got to do a lot more extra reading.
The love for reading grows on you... I remember being 9 and a spoilt brat who would sleep the minute she read two lines. Now the words just jump alive......
I'm loving my course more and more. :)
It's amazing how quickly the first year is flying. Have I mentioned it before? I'm moving into the last week of the hols. And then moving into the 3rd and final term of the first year. Of course, you UCL blokes don't have school anymore *mutters* but still! Last term! And then I'll be flying home...
Am I bursting out of my clothes!? EEP! That's it. Twice a week, 3-k. And no more tight tees. *blush*
Rufus's "Agnus Dei" is... amazing. 16th May in York - can't wait!
Went to Newcastle yesterday... wow, for the first time I really realised how small York is. And I never expected England to be so pretty! From gazing out of the window each time I took a train someplace, I had expected England to be pretty standardised (well it is, mostly) - blocks of houses, darker skies, squares and rectangles and fixed-angles. The journey to Newcastle was really different - large pastures, green and green and sky blue, lots of sheep! And Newcastle itself was quite pretty. Went to the coast and had fish and chips.. oh wow, the cod was fantabulous. I miss eating fish! Shall make it a regular thing to have salmon, though it costs a lot more.
Met up with Wanling, who brought me around Newcastle. We saw the bridges, its castle, and shopped at the factory outlet! Oh goodness, sports stuff were really really (comparatively) cheap! There was a Nike and Reebok factory store there, and the Reebok stuff were really really pretty. But.... yeah. Didn't buy ya. Guess it's really stuff I don't need. I bought stuff that I really needed - new running shoes, 'cuz my old pair is wearing out after travelling, and another pair of track pants. My shoes only cost 14 quid! Muaha! Baby pink and silver... haha. If it were one year ago it'll be really atypical of the type of shoe I'd wear. It seems that the older I get the brighter the colours I prefer.
Flabbs. Speaking of Sports, I'm getting REALLY flabby. Jeans are tighterrr. I kept eating and eating during travelling... though we walked a lot, I'm SURE it was an overall gain of mass + weight. and now there's no fixed routine (timetable) I feel less inclined to run or go to the gym. NArrrr! Will go play tennis tomorrow. And run on Thurs. Don't think it'll ever work off the Chinese buffet I had last night tho...
Wow.. such an awesome, awesome day...
God is an amazing amazing God. And He's SO real, SO living.
I've heard so many testimonies today about how He's been working in the lives of those closest to me... my younger brother's personal encounter with God and his own sin, my mom's gift in intercession and healing, older brother's healing ear, my best friend's spiritual breakthrough... and I've come to know of all these in the span of one day! For once, I don't exactly feel that I've wasted the day away on MSN and the phone because of these news. Wow... goodness. Let us keep running to God! :)
Salmon is Deeeeelicious. It's such a luxury...
Awwww my momma is shoo shweet...
received my parcel today and there're many lil surprises. Like rabbit sweets (you know the ones we grow up on) and snacks and snacks and MORE snacks like chilli tapioca, strawberry wafers, dried mango (EGAD), cai xin! and chilli and curry powder... aww mama I love you *hugs*
Anyway, check out http://gprime.net/flash.php/llamasong
Hee hee... I love such random things...
I love watching movies and playing with their ideas in my head after watching them.
Memento was awesome. I loved it. Please, go watch it.
And here's a lil picture edited by Ailin, to commemorate our watching of Memento...
Here're a few pics...
A beautiful view of Cinque Terre
Venice and its Grand Canal
Me at the Roman Colosseum... y'know, Gladiator stadium?
Disclaimer at the church of St Sulpice
Hrmm.. yeah. 'tis about time I blogged about my travelling experiences... I kept a journal along the way so I'll be taking snippets out of it I s'pose. On the whole it was really GREAT and an eye-opening experience (cliche but true). Saw many many things... but now that I'm back it seemed like a long dream in which I was floating from one paradise to another. Now it seems like I've just awoken. Had many, many insights on miscellaneous things all the while I travelled. The physical act of travelling was just a setting for the introspective journey. And though I have pictures to represent the former, the latter seems so much more real. I guess that's why it felt like a dream...
Like what I've been telling a few of you, this trip was very multi-faceted. Dark, dingy or flooded toilets (what Ailin calls the epitome of Grottsdom), beautiful, nice, dry and warm bathrooms with hot water all day... city landscape, litter everywhere, and mountaineous regions with deep green seas and grey beaches... art and paintings and sculptures and ornaments, daidee, bridge, late-night conversations... hot days, freezing days... laid-back days, packed itineraries... and the list goes on! It was an amazing trip... and thank God for having good map-readers around, because I'm absolutely TERRIBLE.
France
NICE: Wonderful apartment - Apartment Drevon - with cooking facilities, nice shower and bedroom, balcony, utensils, tea, kitchen equipment. WHOA. fannntastic. Walked along the famous Promenade des Anglais, and the beach wasn't sandy, it was... pebbly. I guess you could give it thousands of years before it'll turn into a beach. But it was the first time I saw a bay... I suppose taking geography in sec 3 & 4 was useful at that point of time. Went to the Musee of Contemporary Art, slacked at the beach, walked around, shopped at the supermarket... we cooked CARBONARA PASTA! yummm. And we bought red wine so it was a luxurious meal. Wine is really cheap! About 3.5 euros for an average-quality wine. that's like... S$7. Basically it's been really slack in Nice, but enjoyable because we had the nights to ourselves and Ailin and I went giggly-crazy over Speed. And we had the TV so we watched Starship Troopers and MTV in French.
PARIS: Ahhhhh I LOVE Paris. Will go back at the end of the year with family, who's coming up to York after my bro's PSLE. Wide streets, beautiful landscape... I don't know why it was so beautiful, really. On the surface, it looked like any other city. Lin Hai went, "This beats London hands-down" and I said "yeah, maybe 'cuz London is a picture of decadence... this is decadence with a bit of culture" (apologies to all in London... it's a stereotype). Anyways. I think all of us enjoyed Paris the most. It just... feels different while you're there. We spent only 3 days there and so couldn't finish touring everything, but we did the best we could. All of us wanted another day there! Oh wells.. went to the top of the Eiffel where we had a FANTASTIC night view. Visited a cemetary housing the graves of Citroen, Beckett, Sartre, etc. Visited Pantheon which housed the tombs of Rosseau, Voltaire, Marie Curie, etc. Went to the Church of St Sulpice, which had a disclaimer on the wall declaring that Dan Brown's allegations are absolutely false. Haha. Walked around the high street (Champs-Elysees) and shopping areas, parks, passed grand palaces... went to church there 'cuz it was Good Friday. Went to LOUVRE. Apparently it takes at least 3 days and nights to finish touring the entire place.. we did one level in 5 hours. Didn't even complete the level, I think... goodness. Anyways. Paris is greats. verys beautifuls. After viewing the paintings in various churches and buildings I became more disillusioned about Man - his pride, narrow-mindedness, complete evil, violence... and from there I grew to become more hopeful in God as the only constant love that doesn't change.
Italy
ROME: I love the accommodation! It's called Camping Roma and we stayed in cabins.. little outdoor camp-houses or something like that. Really cosy and clean. The whole place looks like OBS. We freezed the first night away because we thought we switched on the heater... but of course we didn't. The restaurant has nice food at reasonable prices too. Ahh.. highly recommended for those who are going to Rome. Anyway! I met Jane there... what a small world. And apparently she met Eunice at the supermarket in Rome! Sheesh. Singapore... what a small world. Anyway, Kudos to Sim for recommending Camping Roma to me. :) Anyway, my first impression of Rome wasn't that good... dark, dingy and dirty.. and the first bus driver we encountered tried to cheat Ailin and I of our money. Anyways. Did lots of sightseeing - St Peter's in the Vatican (we didn't get to see Sistine tho... WAY too many people. Would have taken at least 4 hours to queue), random ruins, palaces, trevi fountain, etc. WE HAD GELATO! Yumm. They have humongous gelati here. Oh goodness... I had to consciously stay away from it during the last few days because I was falling sick and I've been having a lot of gelato (ice cream, which is a big thing in Italy) anyway. Realised I lost my black U2 jacket :( and my blue 10-pound Marks and Sparks umbrella on the plane. Bought an ORANGE one instead. muaha. Oh, it was interesting to see a Roman soldier (dressed-up) walking around and talking on his mobile phone. Heehee. Very amusing anachronism...
Italians are absolutely grumpy and expressive. Or at least, they're expressive of their grumpiness. That's the impression we got anyway... so we might be wrong. Tsk... the counter staff will look absolutely irritated if you don't speak Italian, and they look bored and impatient even before you approach them. People on the streets look really cold and brusque. They don't queue up for the bus - they push and squeeze, and Ailin got bumped off the bus by a fat Italian lady's stomach when the doors to the bus opened.
CINQUE TERRE: Ahhh, beautiful, beautiful. Squealed the minute I saw the sea and its lapping waves. Spent just a day and a half there. Simply walked around and took the train from village to village... ate their traditional food - pesto and whatever with anchovies. The anchovies were ABSOLUTELY salty. Lin Hai and I died eating the pizza. Oh but pesto is yummy. Beautiful and quiet... although the accommodation was quite bad. The toilet at least...... dirty and it floods.
VENICE: Another beautiful, beautiful city. Oh! The presence of waterways/water bodies really make a difference! It spaces everything out even if the streets are naturally narrow... it softens the texture of the city I suppose. Water market, fresh fruit stalls, carnival masks and coloured glass... Gondolas! The pretty long boats with their rowers... there was this gondola rower who approached us and captivated the girls with his earnest-looking blue eyes. Goodness. I was quite charmed!
Yup, then we took a flight back from Venice to Liverpool. When we touched down and walked out of the airport, we chanced by this Chinese restaurant. Jason, Ailin and I couldn't RESIST the allure of Chinese food (after 2 weeks of dough) so we took a box of takeaway each. Ohh YUM. It was wonderful. Yup then we took a train back to York and reached home about 9ish, 10. Spent a lot of time travelling from place to place... each train ride is 4 hours or thereabouts. Hm yeah. Anyway. it's been great! And once I've got the pictures uploaded I'll let you know. Do tell me if you wanna see 'em!