Really odd but the temperature seems to be rising. I mean, it's good that it's getting warm but this means I won't get to see snow already. Oh well...
I played tennis yesterday! Ailin and I are the absolute beginners, and we had Jason as our coach. He was really really patient! Wow. Anyway, I had such a great time because I've never had a proper lesson of tennis before, and this was like the greatest fun I've had *attempting* to play tennis. Haha. Yay. I hope I return to Singapore actually knowing how to play a game......
Aside from that I went to the gym yesterday as well. Got really tired at the end of the day; was in Ailin's room and we were making plans and booking accommodation/transport for our Easter hols. We're going to France and Italy... and surprisingly, the costs are estimated to be about 700 pounds. Which is like how high!
I mean, the budget airfares are quite low, but the accommodation and train tics are really expensive. So everything is offset and you get about the same price as a group package tour from Singapore. Okok, but it's free and easy if we go ourselves so I'm not complaining...
But anyway, after planning everything, we watched The Royal Tenenbaum Family (did I spell it right?) at Ailin's place. We were all dozing off (most of us just resigned to sleep while the show was playing) but Cui and I kinda persisted to the end and watched it. Luke Wilson! Ahh. :) Don't know why but I'm attracted to guys who look brood-ish. Ahem. Ok that was just a side comment...
Two weeks of consistent gym-going. You go girl......
Two weeks seemed really long. I've been busy most of the time, running around and attending to stuff. And I've barely done any reading outside of my set readings. Which is bad 'cuz I feel so ill-prepared. I'm doing better in seminars 'cuz I've decided to just *whack* and not feel so self-conscious... which worked for the last seminar. But I need to buck up. I can envisage myself going on a rollercoaster (emotional/spiritual/physical) in 2 weeks' time because it's CU's mission week (lots and lots and lots of events), I have to complete a 700-page novel for seminars and that excludes other readings I have to complete in the same week, and my first essay is due. AGHH. I can't do it on my own... God grant me strength.
But the past 2 weeks have been ok precisely because I've been kept busy. Now that there's only academic work to complete... I'm starting to feel the gaping hole in my heart again. Of missing home. Missing people. Wanting to talk to them. It's not good. It only goes to show I've been filling that hole with events and meeting people and yada. I suddenly feel so weak for the first time in 7 days (which seemed rather long to me) and I have to keep reminding myself that God is all I need to keep me going...
And God is faithful, afterall.
Mua...ha...ha...
I bought 5 seasons of Simpsons (1-5) from ebay, and only at 9 pounds for each season! (usual price = 26.99)
*glee*
On a side note, I really shouldn't be spending so much. I know I'll get all the Simpsons eps eventually but... well.
*glee*
Dumdeedum. Small Groups yesterday was GREAT! Wow it got off to a slow and draggy start but at the end of it I knew that the Holy Spirit was leading the both of us... and esp Mike 'cuz he suddenly became really enthusiastic towards the end. I know the group benefited and I'm so glad! :) And Linda and Fola (my housemates) came along... ahh! The group had like 10 people!
*glee*
Afterwards I went to JJ's as usual, and played pool with Jon. Haha he's a really interesting guy... really funny in a quiet and unintentional way. I won, but only because he shot the black ball in together with the white. Hey hey, don't underestimate me too k, I was vying for the black ball too... *grin* But afterwards I went back to the couch and talked to Andrew about miscellaneous things (He was my SGL last term). He told me that he just broke up with his girlfriend because he knew that God was prompting him to do so as well... and because of some other reasons yeah. He looked really down and tired, though he was making merry and talking a lot to some of the other people there. Still, he said it's been a good week because he has grown closer to God within the past week... he looks strong. It's really amazing yeah! Last week God sent Dave to encourage me, and this week God sent me to encourage Andrew! WOW. Like, amazing.
*glee*
GOD IS FAITHFUL.
In response to Sim's question... it's not snowing but it snowed... without me even noticing! Boo hoo... and because it rained directly after, so most of the snow got washed away. It didn't settle.. wah! I've never ever seen snow falling from the sky before, and this year's snow, I heard, is pathetic in comparison to previous' years. I'm still hopeful *big-starry-eyed* that I can experience a shower of snow sometime soon. Nevertheless I'm still so grateful to be able to see snow! Was walking to school one day and there were patches of snow over some parts of grass and ground... but yeah it was terribly muddy 'cuz the snow melted and the shady route to school was one big mush.
Am so thankful to God! I was so concerned last term because I found difficulty raising the topic of religion and God to my housemates... wasn't very familiar with them and I admit I was daunted by the fact that they were British or European and they seemed to be a lot more embedded in the culture than I was. But I was wrong because God makes even the weakest weakness strong! God's grace is sufficient... and he enabled me to yak on for close to 2 hours with Linda. It was really enjoyable and I believe it wasn't entirely imposing on her and stuff, but we were really open about it (she was, thankfully!) and I really enjoyed that conversation! Before that I was actually talking to Andy about it... but Linda came in and kinda took my attention away. Andy left the kitchen after listening to me for a while... kinda regretted not being able to talk to him but I believe God arranged for me to talk to Linda. And I hope I was able to plant a seed in Andy that God will grow in His time, even if I talked to him for only a short time. Ahhh. praise God for His grace! I really was so afraid last term to speak up about these things... but I just became suddenly SUPER articulate and my words just flew out. I know I wasn't doing it on my own because I couldn't have talked that well. Thank You Holy Spirit! :D
Just received my appraisal for last term. I did really really well... I was pleasantly surprised actually. Dr Moody wrote such good comments for me. But I'm quite daunted this term... because the tutor has such high expectations and everytime I want to say something I'm just so afraid to because I think I'll sound like an idiot. I should stop being so self-conscious... and just whack! I felt more comfortable doing that last term because Dr Moody seemed more... forgiving. As if it didn't matter if it were a lousy point. THIS term, however, the tutor seems so much more demanding that most of the time I really think for an absolutely long time about whether to present a point or opinion. It sucks I know. BUT... I'll be less self-conscious I suppose. You always have to risk something. I either risk it and have the chance of speaking up, or don't risk it at all and receive a low grade on my appraisal and leave each seminar feeling like a bottle with a stuck pipe.
Anyways! Gonna read Dickens now. :) see ya!
From the leaflet of York Elim Church:
MEMORANDUM
To: Jesus, Son of Joseph,
Woodcrafter Carpenter Shop, Nazareth
From: Jordan Management Consultants, Jerusalem
Dear Sir:
Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you have picked for management positions in your new organisation. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational-aptitude consultant.
It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education, and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue searching for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.
Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no leadership qualities. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale. We feel it is out duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus definitely have radical learnings, and both registered a high score on the manic-depressive scale.
One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind, and has contacts in high places. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right-hand man.
We wish you every success in your new venture.
Sincerely Yours,
Jordan Management Consultants
Quite a few people were upset by John Ruskin's essay on the perfect, 'wifey' woman and the education she should receive... but I found it so beautiful! I think in the world's eyes a woman should be independent, free (in a physical sense... which even transcends moral boundaries), aggressive, even, for her ideals and rights and blah. But where does that lead you to? We end up settling down in an area that we feel so unfulfilled in, because it doesn't complement our natural strengths... our natural, God-given virtues. We're just... different from men. Some girls just find it so difficult to accept that...
There's this beautiful, beautiful paragraph:
"And wherever a true wife comes, this home is always around her. The stars only may be over her head; the glowworm in the night-cold grass may be the only fire at her foot; but home is yet wherever she is; and for a noble woman it stretches far round her, better than ceiled with cedar, or painted with vermillion, shedding its quiet light far, for those who else were homeless."
(The essay is apparently Christian-centred... so home would refer to a home secure in God's love.)
And, for the beauty of women...
"...only remember that all physical freedom is vain to produce beauty without a corresponding freedom of heart."
Lastly, for the dudes...
"Do not think you can make a girl lovely, if you do not make her happy."
Haha. :) Woohoo, Ruskin!
Nahh.. don't worry guys it was just 'one of those days'... and I just happened to be kinda affected by Andy's remark 'cuz I really thought I was ok until he said I looked melancholic. It may be just because everytime I see him I'll look half-dead (i.e. really tired)... or, I don't know *shrugs*
But I'm great! God has been sustaining me and lifting my spirits up for the past 5 days or so... and it's almost at every turn and corner that I feel God cautioning me, speaking to me, being in me... it's really great. It's only today that I feel quite dry, don't know why... think I'm really tired too. I kept walking into things, dropping things, knocking things down, spilling things... I think Jason and the rest can testify to it. I walked into a closing door and knocked my head against it. It was kinda painful......
But anyway! It's been great so far. Starting to get busy and worried about seminar work... because I just feel so lazy to start reading and stuff. I need motivation, man! Hur. Must always remember that I gotta "do it heartily, as to the Lord and not men" (Col 3:23). Been in a kinda playful and crazy mood for the past few days... finding thrill in every small little thing. Was walking to school today and I saw THREE horses along the ranch-like place next to Spring Lane (which we call Rape Alley 'cuz it's a muddy path with no lighting at all in the night). And I was munching on a yoghurt bar when I was walking... the horse looked so eagerly at me I thought I might share. I hope horses like yoghurt bars. But anyway, I bit off a chunk and fed it to a horse... and he just took it with his mouth and munched away. After that I was so excited (apparently my first time feeding a horse and seeing it RIGHT next to me) I just squealed and laughed... haha. Well. It IS an experience to behold...
Another experience to remember is the Minster Ball last night. Ahh! It was great, really great. The minster was beautiful, everyone dressed up, guys were in tux's and suits... it was a very formal thing. And the best thing of all was that CU invited this jazz/funk band to play at the end of the ball... and everyone started dancing in front of the stage. It was so fun! I mean, this was the only time I had fun dancing to music... sure, dancing is fun, but in clubs you're surrounded by half-drunk people, cigarette smoke, and tonnes of people sliming one another. This was... alcohol-free, smoke-free, just pure great jazz, funk and bebop... and it was really really fun when like the 5 of us (Emily joined us later so that makes 6) like did crazy stuff together. Haha. It was realllllly great :)
Some pics:
Doesn't Tash (the girl in the red dress) look gorgeous? She's Armenian-Korean-Chinese... Another active member of CU. :)
It was another Singsoc outing today. The juniors cooked for the seniors... we whipped up spamelette, curry, vegetables, chicken-ginseng-reddates-soup and, well, rice. Whoa it was great! I was so proud of ourselves after we finished... we've come a long way since our first meal of measly chicken with crackled skin and undercooked, bloody, meat.. and soggy rice. It was really great improvement within 2.5 months! I was like telling Jun "Can you believe it! We picked up life skills in 2 and a half months!" Haha. Oh well. The seniors baked brownies and bought Ben and Jerry's. Ahhhhhh... nothing beats good ol' chocolate brownies and ice cream. Oh, mixed a bit of Baileys too. Not that much. You can't get very drunk on Baileys anyway.
It's amazing how time flies when you're having fun. I'm SO determined to keep myself busy this term and the next. The rest have already seen my enthusiasm in joining/learning things and going for jazz nights and stuff. I wanna wanna wanna pick up fencing, tennis... go swim at this indoor pool Jason discovered... keep up the consistent habit of gym-going (tho it's only been.. 1 week. haha!) Go skiing in the French Alps next winter with the Ski Soc in York. Ahh! And this coming Easter we're going to Venice, Rome, Paris and Glasgow. I wanna SEE THE WORLD......
Of course, all, and I say ALL the glory goes to the LORD. Precious precious God who has given me all this... and so many other little things that go to show how much He understands and loves me. I really don't know what more I can ask for because all these are part of a dream I have held since 14... I really praise and thank God for everything!
Ok, it's close to 3am now.. gonna sleep!
My cooking is getting worse...
my curry gets dried up, the chicken meat is tough and my noodles become a mash. I know I'm getting more callous about my cooking, but it seems like half of me can't be bothered with it, yet the other half laments at the desperately poor quality of food I come up with.
Andy says I look really melancholic all the time. Why's that so?
I thought I was ok.
God is amazing... amazing amazing amazing. Praise to the LORD of heaven and earth!!
I just feel the presence and joy of the Lord in my life almost all the time for the past 3 days. In whatever I do, think or say... I think of the Lord and I really feel His presence. I know He's there building me, holding me up by the arms and helping me walk...
In the mornings, tho, I still awake with an empty sense of longing. Sometimes I wake up feeling lost and dark... but then I immediately turn to prayer and I leave my bed feeling strengthened in knowledge that He is with me, and He's in control.
"Be still, and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10
I haven't been so sensitive to the Holy Spirit's caution for very very long... even when it comes to simple things like taking an egg from the fridge that doesn't belong to me or leaving something unwashed in the sink, thinking, "oh, someone will wash it for me", it's like I'll hear a stern reproach in my ear telling me not to tread upon even the slightest sin. It's quite amazing... but I've really come to know that the Lord's standards are really really high, and we've come to compromise a lot of them because we take His forgiveness for granted. Still, I am so so thankful for His mercy... because we don't even deserve the love and forgiveness that we are entitled to now. Ahh... God is so sweet.
I led Small Groups (the equivalent of cell group. This is a CU-based, college cell) for the first time today... thankfully, Mike and I are put into the same Small Groups so it's like I don't have to lead bible study alone and Dave said we did a great job filling each other in with details we have missed out, and complementing each other in our work. Thank God! Really thank Him that everything flowed... and I've benefited so much from just studying the Word. Before I went for Small Groups I remember telling Ma that I didn't know how to put some points across because I had no idea who was going to be in my Small Group and I had no idea what their level of 'spiritual maturity' was... so it was going to be quite difficult to choose the things to say. Fortunately, with God's grace, my Small Group consisted of people I already knew and am *rather* familiar with, so I kinda knew where they stood in their relationship with God. I didn't even mind that they all possessed leadership positions in CU... I was just so glad that God gave me such a comfortable group. Ah.. thank God for bible study.. it went so well! I have to remember to keep my pride in check tho!
Another thing that's really amazing is that Dave had the exact same experience as me... we were sharing about things to thank God or ask forgiveness for over the holidays and I shared about the painful experience of giving up something that is so precious to my heart, in order to experience God's love to the fullest. After I shared, he said he had the exact same experience and when he heard me sharing about it, it felt like he was reliving the memory of it all over again. Afterwards in JJ's (the college bar), where we usually congregate after Small Groups, we talked again.. this time 1-to-1 and he said if I needed anyone to talk to about it I could look for him. It's really God's will that both of us can share about this together... he encouraged me by saying that after looking back, he knew that it was the best decision ever made and he was happy he made that decision, although it was painful at first. God is ever so thoughtful... I really feel loved and supported by my loving Father.
I discovered the WONDERS of technology today... I did webcam conferencing with ma/wei/whoever's at home AND VoIP... it felt great just to see them again, and talk to them at the same time too! Later on I tried it with Tim... haha the joys of technology. It really makes the world a lot smaller!
Ok, going to do some reading before I head off to slumberland...
"I could sing of Your love forever..."
I'm back in York!
Was feeling very down and unstable yesterday because I felt so alone... and surrendering myself to the Lord was very difficult. Couldn't give up many things...
And I guess I was uber tired. Kept nodding off during CU but I guess I absorbed some stuff the speaker said. It was about Psalm 22... and how it was about the emotions and suffering of Christ on the cross. It was so... emotive. And ouch. Really beautifully-written... made me see beyond my own 'suffering'. Not that it's really suffering! I am so thankful for the opportunity to study here... it's just the distance from familiar people and environment that leaves a gap in your heart sometimes.
But the Lord fills that gap and I'm so thankful and I praise Him for being so lovely! I think about the past 2 days and I realise that He has allowed every little thing that means so much to me come to pass... before departure, I got to see Ailin and Tim. I wasn't charged for my excess baggage though it exceeded by 10.2 kg. The flight was alright and time passed quicker than I expected. I was feeling so down yesterday and I started crying the minute Eleena asked me how I was, and I got to talk to her when I went to her room and she was so lovely she cooked for me! After CU I was feeling incredibly tired and I probably looked quite crummy.. walked back with Madeline and she said she understood how I felt, and gave me encouraging words and assured me that God will be there for me. She's really sweet. Then when I reached my room it wasn't long before Nora rang the bell and came up to my room.. she asked me how I was, gave me a hug and told me I could ring her anytime to talk to her if I wanted. Oh man... I felt really loved.. by God. He has allowed these things to come to pass to let me know that He loves me and understands how lonely I am... and yesterday's Psalm 22 really puts Christ's suffering in that light. The psalm was OVERFLOWING with Christ's pain and loneliness! He felt so alone in his suffering that he even felt distance from God... but after the first half of the psalm he became more assured and convinced that He will arise in victory. It started with painful prayer... and it ended with celebratory praise. I really hope and pray that my instability will come to an end.. and I'll learn how to depend wholly on my Lord for the love I need. :) Praise praise the Lord!
Things are getting busier... I've been great today 'cuz it had a good start. Woke up, felt empty, started praying.. and felt lots better. Went to the minster and they had a eucharist service. Oh wow, the choir was great... and it was a very formal, Anglican service. Seemed semi-catholic. Well I suppose there's not much of a difference in the first place... the only differences are probably political (don't know much about it though, so don't kill me if I made an erroneous comment). But oh, the place and the voices of the choir, the hymns, and everything... it really made me stand in awe of God. Praise after praise to the glory of God resounded in the echoes of the voices... they rose to the high ceilings of the minster and filled every corner of the place... including my entire being! Beautiful... I prayed and cried... so thankful and full of praise for His wonders.
Shopped for groceries again. I'm spending SO much on food.. eek. But I like the feeling of sufficiency. THat you never have to run out of things. My whole room smells of fried anchovies and peanuts and chilli... goodness. And I love my room now.. it's so homey! Messy the way I like it to be messy. :) And my ENTIRE window sill is cluttered with food...... chocolate digestives, dried mango, fried stuff, pineapple tarts (that turned to pineapple fillings with powder), nestum and milo, gummies, chocolates, pi pa gao, other pill supplements........ watch me put on weight at the end of 6 months ya.
I am so determined to exercise more... but that was the case for me in SIngapore right. I was so determined to exercise at least a few times each week. I ended up exercising a few times the entire month. Haha.
Ok. Gotta check out my cooking already. See you!